June 26, 2016

An Image

(To clarify, because a friend was concerned, I am fine. This was just some gentle musings on living with day-to-day depression that I wanted to write and express, in case there were other people who could relate, and the thoughts just sort of...ended up on the blog.)

Although I live with it every day, give or take an hour here or there—or a whole day, if the stars are aligned—this morning I had strong visual of what living with depression is like, what trying to do something, anything, is like when you feel this way. (I really struggle with this new Way of Being because I didn’t grow up depressed. Sure, I had a couple of episodes, but this fucker—I'm sorry, but there's just no other word for it—came on strong eight years ago and has never left.) So, the visual: It’s like being asked to make something without being given any of the necessary materials.

Life: Hey, I need you to make a dress.

You:
Sure, no problem, Life! I’ll make a dress. That sounds like fun! Where’s the cloth?

Life: Oh, no, sorry, you can’t have any cloth.

You: Oh, okay. I’ll try to find another way to get some cloth. No problem. What about some thread?

Life: Nope, no thread. Fresh out.

You: Um, okay… I might have a few pieces of thread around here; I’ll look. A sewing machine?

Life: Nope. And the thread you thought you had? I found it and threw it away.

You: All righty-y, then. Scissors?

Life: Nope.

You:
Pattern?

Life:
Nope.

You: A needle?

Life: Nope.

You: Ooooookay. So now what?

Life: I dunno. But you still need to make a dress.

You: (silence)

----------------------------------------

Translation:

Life: Hey, you need to get up and out and do something.

You: Sure, no problem, Life! I’ll do something. That sounds like fun. Where’s the energy?

Life: Oh, no, sorry, you can’t have any energy.

You: Oh, okay. I’ll try to find another way to get some energy. No problem. What about some motivation?

Life: Nope, no motivation. Fresh out.

You: Um, okay… I might have some motivation around here; I’ll look. Effective medication?

Life: Nope. And the motivation you thought you had? I found it and threw it away.

You: All right-y, then. How about a good hit of caffeine, then?

Life: Nope.

You:
A good night’s sleep?

Life: Nope.

You: Just a general uplifting of spirits for no reason?

Life: Nope.

You: Ooooookay. So now what?

Life: I dunno. But you still need to get up and out and do something.

You: (silence)

Posted by Ryan at June 26, 2016 09:43 PM
Comments

Oh, Ryan. I can identify. I am one of the lucky ones that found a medication that works for me. Of course, I have to fight my insurance company for it and not some generic crap, but I did and I won! I'm rooting for you!

Posted by: Cynthia Nelson on June 27, 2016 03:25 AM

Yep, know that feeling well. Have you read Furiously Happy, by Jenny Lawson? She writes about it brilliantly, and will make you laugh til you snort and/or cry.

Posted by: carlarey on June 27, 2016 04:48 AM

Second that reccy for Jenny Lawson's book. And look up her blog: thebloggess.com. She has depression, anxiety disorder, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, and probably some other maladies and manages to be hilariously (and sometimes) vulgarly real about her life. Her best saying is "Depression lies." There are probably as many varieties of depression as Cascade has colorways, but check our hers anyway. (btw, I am also one of the lucky ones for whom medication worked. I thank my lucky stars for that.)

Posted by: kmkat on June 27, 2016 11:34 AM
Post a comment