Vacuums and Relativity

To paraphrase Barbara Mandrell:

"I was knitting when knitting wasn't cool."

The arrival of my holiday issue of Vogue Knitting made it very obvious how "cool" knitting is today. I was appalled. The magazine is hardly anything but advertisements and horrible mockeries of knitted garments**. This must mean that knitting has "arrived" and is approved by society.

I've been watching the science channel and learning much about how the moon was likely formed.

Unfortunately, the seal of coolness is probably the seal of doom. Now there are cool knitting bags cleverly disguised as chic bags (if knitting is cool why try to hide it?) There are a variety of expensive designer knitting needles-- glass, walrus bone, plastic, beaded. After all, we have soooo much money in this economy that we already have all the wonderful fiber we want, and now we need to find something more to do with our money and to impress our fellow knitters.

The prevailing theory is that a proto-moon called Orpheus, a large body of matter hurtling through space, collided with Earth at a fortuitous angle, causing Orpheus to lose part of its mass and bounce back into space at just the right distance to maintain orbit.

When the market gets saturated with knitting essentials that aren't and when designs are no longer coherent or even appealing, and when yarn stores are popping up all over the place it's a sure sign that the market is glutted and knitting will soon once again go into a decline for all except those who are dedicated to it.

When the moon was first formed, it was very close to the Earth. Surprisingly, during the impact of Orpheus with Earth, the metal core of Orpheus was transferred-- combined with that of Earth-- leaving the new Moon without a metal core.

I recall having seen written interviews with people of the Shetland Islands and other places where knitting was once their livelihood. Many of those people never want to see a knitting needle again. They do not understand why modern knitters would enjoy the craft. For them, knitting was a necessity and a drudgery.

The visual effects used to demonstrate the collision of Orpheus with Earth and the transference of the metal core looked alarmingly like a depiction of an egg being fertilized by a sperm cell. Interestingly enough, scientists also believe that it was that impact which set up the conditions for life to exist on Earth.

It is interesting to contemplate what activity that we now consider drudgery might become a celebrated and popular hobby fifty years from now. I vote for vacuuming. In the future, I am sure, floors and carpets will be made of a substance that rids itself of debris automatically.

So what if? What if our solar system is really just a part of some giant being's reproductive system. What if we are in the very very early phase of a gestation of unknown length? It has taken billions of our years to get to this point. The Earth is not getting bigger, but isn't it true that the solar system might be expanding? One day, is this whole amalgamation going to spring forth from this birth canal we call Space into some totally different world?

I envision the day when people will buy and sell antique vacuum cleaners. They will develop new "authentically styled" vacuum cleaners. They will form Vacuuming Guilds to study the different styles of vacuuming different types of materials. They will ooh and aah over canister vacs and Dirt Devils. A Wind Tunnel will be a coveted possession. They will discuss the relative differences between the ability to pick up dog hair vs. sand.

Other documentaries about the undersea world show us creatures that are composed of separate parts that function as a whole, most likely through electrical impulses. These live in very deep waters and are considered to be one of the most primitive of species. Does this remind you of, say, the human brain? Maybe one of those parts feels it is a large planet in a huge solar system?

We, like the Shetland Island Knitters, will shake our heads and wonder why anyone would want to vacuum. We will secretly laugh and make money by writing about what vacuuming was like in the 20th century. We will tell the stories about vacuum cleaner salesmen going from house to house.

The scientists also tell us that Earth is unique in that it has one large moon, while the other planets in our solar system experienced different effects from collisions with other bodies. Perhaps the baby that will be born one day will have need of only one Earth-like part, just as we have need of only one nose?

Vogue Vacuuming Magazine will feature designer vacuuming patterns. Advertisers will push fancy vacuuming gloves, Music to Vacuum By, miniature vacuum cleaner charms, designer vacuum bags and vacuum cleaners that attach to the bottoms of your shoes. They will sell bags of dirt and sand and animal hair so that you can sprinkle it about an "authentic recreation of a vacuumable surface" and indulge your passion for the bygone art of vacuuming. Then one day, just as everyone is into vacuuming, the fad will pass and the market for vacuuming goods will become-- a vacuum. Just like space.

Our exploration of space serves the purpose of helping ourselves understand our world and perhaps to find our role in it. Many scientists have varied goals for space exploration, including the inhabitation of other planets. As long as it makes sense to do this, and as long as we are not destroying our people and our own planet I have no objection. But when we have stopped progressing towards order and understanding, and started to devolve into chaos and destruction, I am sure our scientists will be aware of the situation and call a halt to further experimentation.

Our exploration of knitting serves the purpose of helping ourselves understand the craft and admire its beauty and history and perhaps to find our role in it. Many knitters have varied goals for designs and knitwear, including the perpetuation of traditional designs. As long as it makes sense to evolve designs and come up with new techniques, and as long as we are not devaluing our craft and our own reputations, I have no objection. But when we have stopped progressing towards beauty and understanding, and started to devolve into chaos and tackiness, I am sure our market will be aware of the situation and call a halt to further expansion.

In the end, our view of knitting is, like our view of Earth, only relative to what we see or know. If we got into knitting because we love the tactile pleasure of yarn flowing through our fingers and the self-fulfillment of having created a beautiful object, then we will survive the end of the fad. But if we hopped on a bandwagon of cheering knitters who wanted everyone to validate their own hobby by joining it, then we will need to be looking for a new hobby.

**the one redeeming pattern in the magazine is by Norah Gaughan

Posted by Sheila at October 20, 2004 08:36 AM Posted to Rants | TrackBack