October 29, 2004
Evil is Afoot...
In rereading yesterday’s entry, I was struck again, as I frequently am, by how subtle and complex, and occasionally traitorous, the English language can be, and how one wrong word can send your sentence skyrocketing off in a direction you never foresaw. Take this sentence, for example: “…an article about an artist who makes fabric sculptures of road kill.” It occurred to me, to my horror, that that sentence could easily be interpreted as, “an article about an artist who makes fabric sculptures out of road kill,” and my mind was immediately flooded with disturbing images of flattened animal carcasses, asphalt, shovels, scraping, disemboweling, washing, tanning, cutting, stretching, drying and sewing. Euuwww. Euuwww again. And euuwww one more time, for good measure. My apologies to anyone whose mind was similarly flooded. You will now see that the sentence says “…an article about an artist who makes fabric sculptures depicting road kill.” That’s a whole different deal. Still weird, but a whole different deal.
Knitting Knews
Because I try to take the high road whenever the situation calls for it, I will now confess to Janine and Laurie—both of whom predicted dire consequences for me when I declared boldly, with regard to my Crapyarn Sweater, “This is so easy! I couldn’t make a mistake if I tried!”—that, yes, dire consequences have abounded. In fact, one even occurred before my grand online declaration but that’s because I had been thinking that same blasphemous thought for days before I was foolish enough to put it in my blog—and the universe knew.
I bought an extra skein of crapyarn for the project. I noticed after I got home that a little bit of the skein, three, maybe four strands, were glued to the yarn label. No problem, I thought, a slight tug, a gentle patting down of the fibers, and Bob’s your uncle. Wrong. I don’t know what kind of glue they use at Lion Brand but, holy adhesion, Batman! In order to separate fiber from glue from label, I started with a gentle, fiber-respecting pull…which thirty seconds later had devolved into an all-out war. I yanked. I pulled. I grunted. I growled like a testosterone-laden wrestler. I pulled at the yarn with such intensity and desperation and with my arms oriented in such a way that if the yarn had, in fact, come unglued, I would have socked myself squarely in the eye, but by that point I didn’t care. Finally, I stood on the label and pulled the yarn up with both hands. My face turned red with the effort, veins stood out on my forehead, my elbows cracked, and various ligaments and tendons started giving away. But nothing budged. The yarn didn’t come away. The individual fibers didn’t separate and come unglued one by one. The paper didn’t rip. The glue didn’t budge. Hats off to the quality assurance guy at Lion Brand who, by being asleep at the wheel when this particular skein floated by on the conveyor belt, single-handedly made possible the existence of the strongest, most unbreakable bond in the known universe.
Heaven’s Revenge, Chapter II: Because I was mad at the extra skein and the scientific impossibilities that it had so laughingly thrown in my face, I decided to use it next, just to get it out of the way—and perhaps on some level to punish it. (Now, now, all you knitters out there, I know you’ve punished yarn on occasion. Admit it.) I unwound what felt like miles of yarn to find a place where yarn wasn’t glued to label, cut the glue and the label away, and sent half to NASA and half to the Smithsonian for detailed analysis, with the stipulation that whatever new element they discovered had to be named after me (Ryanium. Has a nice ring to it...). Then, back to the sweater. I had already knit a good 1/3 of the back of the sweater out of a well-behaved skein, and proceeded to knit the next 1/3 out of the Spawn of Satan skein—which is when I discovered they were completely different colors. Same manufacturer. Same yarn. Same dye lots. Same color name. Different colors. There is a definite and distinctive line squarely across the back of the sweater where I switched from Skein 1 to Skein 2, with dark yarn below and light yarn above.
Which is where this all rests now. Are you happy, Janine and Laurie? Huh? Are you?!
To all of my Dear Readers:
Ah Ryan, you crack me up! :) Have a fun Halloween yourself.
Posted by: Lisa in Oregon on October 29, 2004 09:24 AMNo no no! We were trying to warn you. Sometimes you can stave off the curse with ritualistic stash organizing or something but you just planted a big 'ole target right on your sweater and mocked the universe. It was like watching a car wreck in slow motion Ryan. It was too painful to just sit back and watch.
What is really scary is that it is a well known fact that knitting mishaps are digitally contagious. How many times have you read about another's struggle on their blog and then had the exact same problem 4 hours later with your project?
There, now I have to go start a new project because we all know that is the only thing that may protect you from the knitting curse. Maybe if I buried a pair of needles at the foot of a tree or something...
Posted by: Laurie on October 29, 2004 09:40 AMYou have made me truly afraid of crapyarn and label glue! I shall shiver all weekend. I may have to go through my stash and check all the labels. It could take days.
Thanks for sharing your nightmare as a warning to us all. Happy Halloween!
Posted by: Michele on October 29, 2004 09:50 AMWell, now, of course that has happened to ME too....on the crapyarn scarf I did for a friend. What the?! Well, of course that's why it's crapyarn, no? Love your little ghosts and witches. Happy Halloween, Ryan and TMK!
Posted by: Norma on October 29, 2004 10:03 AMthank you for changing the sentence. I am one of those who had horrid visions flooding...."does this artis knit the roadkill or weave it. etc"
Happy halloween!!
PS. Yarn and/or fiber hubris will get you every time.
Many Many Many times has this happened to me...
Ryan, we need to get you into a weight training program so you can wrestle your crapyarn with better results in the future! ;-)
TMK
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for clarifying the road kill issue. As if Halloween wasn't creepy ENUF, without my favorite knitting blog going all graphic and gooey!
I was pleased to read "Bob's your uncle" on your post - one of my favorite phrases. I once asked a British friend of mine (and here was my mistake) what that saying REALLY means. He said, and I quote: "Well, it's perfectly obvious when you know the rest of the proverb". Which is?
".....and Fanny's your aunt."
Clear now?
Oh those Brits. As Miss Marple would say, they have so much to answer for!
Posted by: joan on October 29, 2004 10:37 AMAs much as I hate the expression, "I told you so...." I may have to use it here. Honey, not only did you tempt the knitting gods with your bravado, you also experienced the downside of Crapyarn AKRYLAC--it's cheap and cheaply made--and I'm not even referring to the glue problem (which, by the way, doesn't surprise me). You will now have a sweater that cost you excess time and effort (though not excess money), won't even be the same color throughout, and won't even keep you warm. Egads. Let's hear it for 100% wool, alpaca, cotton, cashmere, yak and dog hair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not attending Ferals or Guild lately, but still alive and well, Mary B
PS Ryan, I love to read what you write--you are a very talented writer---I always enjoy your escapades!!!!!!! Keep up the fantastic work.
Posted by: MaryB on October 29, 2004 10:37 AMOh how I wish (!) I had purchased the book on Road Kill Entertaining when I saw it several years ago. Someone JUST like you could completely appreciate it.
Lessee..... There were tadpoles in aspic. A furry critter that was flattened, but the tail was sticking up in rigor mortis, so they had used that as a platter for some sort of critter pate' (mighta been a racoon) complete with skid marks across it, and the very popular armadillo dip, which involved using the outer carapace of the armadillo to effect a handy bowl, arching the tail over and tying it to the back legs with some scallions, and then using it to hold armadillo dip.
What will people think of next?
Wait - I don't want to know. :p
Posted by: Anne on October 29, 2004 10:57 AMOkay... can I admit that I was kinda disappointed when I went to see the "roadkill art"? 'Cause it wasn't. I suppose this says something about me, eh? And this from the same person that doesn't like the cadaverous fingernails.
Posted by: Kit on October 29, 2004 11:13 AMI've encountered the same issue using Homespun to make the No-Sweats. You forgot to mention that the glue also hardens to a razor-sharp edge that could easily sever a finger or limb of a careless knitter.
Posted by: Jessica on October 29, 2004 12:26 PMMessages like Devin's, Joan's and Kit's are the reason why I was horrified when I realized what I had written. One or two people commented that they didn't even click on the "road kill" link and this curious reluctance in a link-mad world churned around in my brain for a while until, all of a sudden, I realized how what I had originally written must have sounded. Of course, the yucky details in Anne's comment puts whatever I wrote to shame.
Mary, an "I told you so?!" Sigh, just when we were getting to be friends... ;-) (Miss you at Guild and Ferals, I do!)
And Laurie, now you stop. You just stop. First you've got MY projects turning against me, and now I have to worry about mistakes OTHER people make in their projects! Ack!
Thank you all for your comments!!
Posted by: Ryan on October 29, 2004 01:36 PMYou are so funny! I told you to stop calling the yarn that bad name.
Posted by: Debra on October 29, 2004 01:55 PMi gather that your little color problem isn't something that could be passed off as a design element? oh, of course not, i think all knitters feel an absolute obligation to point out any imperfections in their work- when (if?) i am ever complimented on anything i make, i always just have to point out the wonky stitch that i feel is just bellowing to be noticed-
you can console yourself with your beautiful faina though-
is frankie going to be cleverly costumed as a dog for halloween? beowulf is, and he is going to very convincing-
happy halloween to you too- stay happy-
Posted by: barb in texas on October 29, 2004 02:02 PMHalloween's my favorite holiday of the year, because no one looks at me twice. In fact, they seem very impressed that I was so dedicated to my Buddhist monk costume that I even shaved my head!
I'm still recovering from those hats and yes, it will not surprise you at all, I thought the sculptures were composed *of* the roadkill.
Posted by: Cuzzin Tom on October 29, 2004 02:47 PMAs a person who live in the acrylic crapyarn capital of the world, I do have advice for those of you who feel compelled to go and purchase some for a project. Yes, you will. You can't help it. There's a morbid fascination there...like that whole car-accident-too-gruesome-to-look-away thingy. Anywho, if you do become compelled to do that sort of purchasing, the solution is simple. You just twist the lable around the skein. If it's glued, it won't move. Ever. And Ryan dear, you are better off having cut that bit of yarn out. Trust me. Even if you got it away from the lable, there would still be this sharp bit of glue stuck to the yarn for all eternity. It never let's go.
Ryanium. *snort* I just love it. Your description of trying to get the yarn seperated left me in tears I was laughing so hard. You really are too much.
Hope everyone has a great day!!!
Posted by: Stalker Angie on October 29, 2004 02:50 PMYes.
Posted by: Janine on October 29, 2004 03:11 PM