December 17, 2004
Holiday Giddiness
No posting next week, Dear Readers. From here on out, it’s all tinsel, sugar plum fairies, twinkling lights, flannel jammies, shiny wrapping paper, curled ribbons, sparkling cider, and eggnog!
Thank you from the heart to all of you for the gift of continuing to read Mossy Cottage, and for making me look forward to getting out of bed every Monday, Wednesday and Friday because I know I get to spend some e-time with you. Thank you especially for your uniquely long and thoughtful comments! I am a very lucky blog mistress.
Still on the blog front, if you have a few more blog-reading minutes at your disposal and haven’t done so already, I urge you to go to Rachael’s blog and read her entry about running the marathon in Hawaii. Now that is writing from the heart!
Wednesday night was the annual Guild holiday potluck and door prize/gift exchange event. The many, many door prizes—which are donated by our remarkably generous local LYSs—are distributed via raffle ticket. The gift exchange, on the other hand, is more tit-for-tat—bring a gift, get a gift. Still recovering from the nightmarish Kris Kringle exchanges I endured as an uber nerd in grade school, I didn’t participate in the gift exchange but, for my door prize, I did receive a beautiful sweater kit consisting of a pattern and assorted balls of cream, dark purple and terra cotta superfine mohair yarn, all packaged in a very practical and useful clear plastic zippered bag, perfect for sock knitting projects, methinks. Two problems: (a) The pattern does not include a picture of the finished sweater so I have no clue whether the final product would be breathtaking or best used to line a birdcage and (b) when finished, the sweater would fit exactly one of my boobs. Fortunately, a horde of my knitting friends have formed a cheerleading pyramid on my right shoulder and are gently reminding me that I don’t necessarily have to knit the pattern I was given; I can do whatever I want; it’s owning the yarn that matters. I'm also hearing underlying whispers of “Knit it anyway. It might fit me, hint, hint.”
What fascinated me the most about the party were the social dynamics of the gift-distribution process. At first, the ladies, about 80 in number, acted very demure and garden-partyish, patting their fingertips together, tittering, and congratulating each other in hushed tones as numbers were called. Fifteen minutes into the process, however, their baser selves had taken over. The former patters and titterers were now whooping loudly, leaping out of their chairs and galloping toward the gift tables, spurred on by the equally loud and equally whoopish sounds of encouragement made by the other women sitting at their tables. Think boozy night at Chippendale’s. (One where, in fairness, no alcohol was served, and where the spectators were all intent on their knitting and were reluctant to tear their eyes away from their sweaters, scarves and socks even as Juan and his toned and tanned gluteus maximi came gyrating by.)
The party really was tremendous fun. Thank you to everyone for the gifts and the wonderful food, especially the caramel apple pie (be still my heart).
100 Things-39% and Counting
31. Although I am, by nature, not an organized or neat person, I passionately believe there are infinitely more important things to do and experience in the world than worry about how clean your house is. A few months ago, I went to lunch with two acquaintances from work and I watched and listened in horrified fascination as they spent the first 45 minutes of the meal discussing what they use to clean their kitchen floors. This vast, grand, complicated, bewitching, bewildering and perplexing world—and they wanted to talk about cleaning products. To this day, this still boggles my mind. Is it me?
32. I have a horrendous sense of direction, and it is this characteristic that led me to The Stupidest Thought I've Ever Had. One day, when I was living in New York, I was walking north (or south. I have no idea. See?!) and the Empire State Building was behind me. At one point, I crossed the street, went into a store, noodled around, came back out again, saw the Empire State Building in the opposite direction from where my direction-challenged brain expected it to be, and my first thought was—seriously, no lie, cross my heart—“Wow! They moved the entire Empire State building while I was in the store!”
It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that, no, they had not frickin’ moved the frickin’ Empire State Building in fifteen frickin’ minutes; I was merely looking in the wrong direction. Then again, remember this is the same woman who thought that her own car lights reflected in a store window were another car driving right at her.
No, no, Dear Readers, you're not going to leave me dangling out here all by myself. Time to share! What is the stupidest thought you've ever had?
33. I think every American—regardless of his or her politics—should go to Washington D.C. once in their lives, like a pilgrimage. The White House, the Capitol, the monuments, and the museums ooze history like nothing else and engender such deep, bittersweet, conflicting and overwhelming feelings. And the Vietnam Memorial—don’t even get me started. But I can get away with making this grandiose declaration because I’ve been already. If I hadn’t and I were a Dear Reader and I read this item, it would probably annoy the crap out of me.
34. Temper-wise, I have a very, very long fuse but the explosion at the end is awe-inspiring. Think mushroom cloud. I can feel TMK nodding as she reads this. She knows, oh, how she knows.
35. In all of our 18 years together, despite the fact that she is notorious for having a quick temper, TMK has never lost her temper with me. She’s been mighty irked, but has never lost her temper. I find this amazing. Perhaps, at least where I'm concerned, she just has a reeeeeeeeeaaaaallly long fuse—which makes me worry about what’s at the end. I mean, what’s bigger than a mushroom cloud? The Big Bang? If she did lose her temper with me, would she, in fact, jumpstart a brand new universe?
36. I like to read out loud, sometimes even to myself, because I like to feel and hear how words, phrases, and sentences intertwine with and play off one another. TMK likes me to read to her because it makes her fall asleep almost instantly and sleep well. The trouble is, when I stop reading, she wakes up and tells me to keep reading. It’s sort of a Sisyphean thing.
37. My father was a deep sea demolitions expert in the Navy during World War II. To dive, he wore the old-fashioned bell helmet and heavy boots and was tethered to an air hose. I think the fact that he fought in World War II, that he had to wear that dangerous, low-tech equipment, and that he blew up sunken ships is outrageously brave and heroic.
38. When I graduated from college, as a graduation gift, my sister paid for me to have my ears pierced. I’m still not sure if it was a gift or Big Sister's Revenge. (Actually, I do, and 23 years later, I still love my pierced ears. Thank you, Big Sister.)
39. My nickname is Pookie. I have also been called R, Rye-bread, RyRiMo (the first initials of my three names), Ry-noceros, Pookessa, Pickle, and Pukie and Puke. Such lovely names, no?
Merry Christmas, Everyone!
With regard to #32, I won't leave you hanging. And in addition to the dumb thought, I went on and said it aloud... to people. I worked at an animal hospital during the summer between high school and college. Many nights, I helped close the clinic, and by the time I left, it was dusk. One night I was on my way home, and I looked over to the side of the road and saw a deer running alongside my car. I couldn't get over it because I'm a city girl and don't often see deer like that. I kept thinking "Oh my gosh-- look at that giraffe!" Not only did I keep saying this again and again in my head, but I actually got home and excitedly told my mom about it. She, of course, couldn't believe me, and I kept getting madder and madder at her. Finally, I realized that I kept saying "giraffe" when I meant "deer." And to this day, I have no idea why I got the two confused.
Posted by: Jill on December 17, 2004 10:24 AMThank you, Jill. You're a brave girl to admit this, and now I don't feel so alone anymore.
Posted by: Ryan on December 17, 2004 10:26 AMAnytime, Ryan. Did I mention I worked at an ANIMAL HOSPITAL? Oy!
Posted by: Jill on December 17, 2004 10:29 AMwell, here's wishing you and yours the most wonderful of holidays- thanks from the bottom of my heart for the feelings of community you encourage and the many smiles you bring-
i don't have any *one* most stupid thought (although thinking i could get things ready for christmas in a timely fashion could rank right on up there) as i tend to make a spectacle of myself frequently by always voicing whatever has popped into my head-
wait a minute- i do remember a momentous gaffe- when in college i was invited to attend a dinner party that was going to be enhanced by the presence of several individuals who were well-known in the field of economics- during the dinner, 'economic talk' ensued and at some point there was talk about city taxation per mill- some figure was given, and before i could even realize i didn't have the vaguest idea what i was saying i blurted out 'but the south side of town has lots more factories than that'- have i ever said i was not an economics major- sort of *open mouth, insert foot, crunch*-
stay happy and enjoy every minute of the festivities-
Posted by: barb in texas on December 17, 2004 10:56 AMI'm Wise one, God is Gracious. In fact, until I change back to my maiden name, I am Wise one, God is gracious, Head of the tobacco sellers. Hee.
Happy holidays!
Posted by: Shannon on December 17, 2004 11:00 AM#32 - the stupidest thought I ever had was more than 20 years ago, when we were receiving a rash of late-night calls from a pervert. They were coming so often, we had a nickname for him - The Perv. One night, the phone rang after 2 a.m. and I, in a groggy stupor, answered it. (for goodness sake, it might have been an emergency, right?) The conversation went like this:
"Hello?"
"Hello........."
"Who is this?"
"Michael."
"Susie's Michael?"
"Yes......."
"Why are you calling?"
"...Because I'm horny."
OHMYGOD! I thought. SUSIE'S MICHAEL IS THE PERV!
Which he wasn't of course, The Perv was just trying to keep me on the phone as long as possible and agreed with information I supplied... Dumb, but, c'mon it was after 2 a.m. and I'm very slow to wake up. In fact, it took 'til about 9 a.m. the next morning before I realized DOH! of course it wasn't Susie's Michael.
Stupidest thing I ever thought.
Merry,merry mid winter festival !
I will e-mail you...eventually ! Up to my eyeballs right now.
Ryan,
This is Debra formerly known as mysterybooklvr(We got dsl).
I've been reading your list and I want to know where you lived in NY City, and when you lived here.
I also:
1. Have a bad sense of direction
2. Love yellow walls(my kitchen is painted butter)
3. Hated getting my ears pierced.
4. Have a life-partner who has never lost his temper with me OR our boy.
5. Never discuss household cleaning products.
6. Hope you and TMK have a nice Christmas
Stopped at an intersection. Waiting patiently (it was seeming to take *forever*) for the stopSIGN to change to green.
Posted by: Kit on December 17, 2004 12:26 PMHappy holidays. Don't know what I'll do without Mossy Cottage next week!
I have tried 3 times to photograph my WIP scarf from the rainbow LL skein and my camera will NOT do it, it revises the colors most cruelly. Maybe when it's done I can do it in daylight.
#31. Can we *TALK*?
#32. Yup, that's me, too.
But I've never had any "dumb moments." That's my story, and I'm sticking with it.
#32 - I have to pick one?
Let me think while I wish you and TMK a Very Happy Holiday Season.
Posted by: Angela on December 17, 2004 01:21 PMKit, I am On. The. Floor! In fact, everyone--great stories! Keep 'em coming! And Norma, we KNOW you have one--you just have to blurt it out.
Debra, good to hear from you!! I lived in the New York in the early '80s for about three years, and I lived in Brooklyn for a while, and then I lived on the upper West side, 185th or something like that, a few blocks below the Cloisters and a few blocks above Columbia Presbyterian. I worked for 3M in mid-town.
Posted by: Ryan on December 17, 2004 01:23 PMThe first spring after I started birding, I went to a local lake and saw my first Double-crested Cormorant. I went home and proudly announced to my housemate that I had just seen a Double-necked Cormorant. "Hmm," he said. "Like to see a picture of THAT."
To those who responded to my knitting article request, please be patient for a reply. I've been in this astounding karmic whirlwind around planning for Mongolia. Incredible connections are coming every day and it's all I can do to keep up. It's also the most excited I've ever been about ANYthing.
Posted by: Cuzzin Tom on December 17, 2004 01:59 PMWay to go, Cuzzin! I am excited for you! Er, do you need anything knitted for your trip, like warm socks? It's all I/we have to offer...
"Double-necked?" Har, har, har...
Posted by: Ryan on December 17, 2004 02:06 PM#32... My boyfriend was telling me about a small town in Kentuky that he lived in briefly. This town had a large Trane plant (Air Conditioning units). I hadn't heard the brand before and told him so. A week or two later we get in the car to go somewhere and he gets very excited and starts pointing and shouting about "A TRANE!" "A TRANE!". I got so scared we were going to be run over by a train I jumped out of the car. Nevermind that we were parked in a parking lot nowhere near a train track...
Posted by: Michelle on December 17, 2004 02:37 PM#31--I love you!!! Even though I am currently in a cleaning fit because the cat sitter is coming over Sunday... I know, paradox.
OK, stupid things. I could go on and on and on about how I frequently contradict all those IQ tests that say I have "exceptional" intelligence! The best (worst?!), however, was probably when I was living in Russia: I marched up to a kiosk and asked the guy if there were any *condoms* in the orange juice he was selling. Yup, I was caught by the false cognate trap. I should have known that I ought to look things up, but I went ahead and assumed the Russian word preservativ was borrowed from our preservative. HA! It's from the French preservatif. The poor man, who was about the age of my grandfather, just blinked a few times and then slowly answered, "No, miss, there are no condoms in the orange juice." I should mention that at that time my Russian was good enough that I was often taken for a native speaker, which undoubtedly compounded his confusion. I told a friend about this odd encounter a few days later and just about died when she told me what I had actually said.
Posted by: Kristen on December 17, 2004 03:00 PMI, too, am "geographically impaired." Once, I was completely humiliated when playing Pictionary. I was to draw "Cuba". Ahem.....My team mates were most irked to find that was what I was trying to draw....in Canada. I think I got Quebec and Cuba confused. Stop laughing. It's true.
As well, I can put up with a lot, but when I'm done, by gawd, I'm DONE.
lastly, 45 minutes talking about cleaning? I don't usually spend 45 mintues cleaning anything (and have the house and car to prove it mind you), much less Talking About It.
Frankly, I find that disturbing. :) Big hugs Ryan, have a lovely, warm, fuzzy holiday. L
Posted by: Lisa in Oregon on December 17, 2004 03:05 PMKit - I've done that, too.
Ryan - re: 31. Its not you.
re32 - I took pictures of this really great owl on a hotel in LA. It sat _really_ still, so weird to see an owl in daylight. You guessed it - owl statue to frighten away other birds.
Posted by: melissa on December 17, 2004 03:41 PMGood point, Lisa. Why spend 45 minutes *talking* about something you don't spend 45 minutes doing? Actually, I've developed a technique I've called "putter cleaning." This is the cleaning you can accomplish during the five or ten minutes ads are on, or during the really boring part of a movie. It's actually quite effective. My living room is clean, my kitchen is clean--but my dining room table, the Kingdom of Klutter, which requires way more than putter cleaning? Let's not go there.
Kristen, imagine the trouble you can get yourself into with the Spanish word for pregnant, "embarazada." Sounds like "embarrassed" to me! Great story, BTW!
Melissa, love the owl story! I woulda done the same thing.
Posted by: Ryan on December 17, 2004 04:06 PMoh gawd, the number of times I've said something stupid? I can't remember a single specific one right now but trust me, right around 2 a.m. tonight I'll be sitting up in bed, mortified all over again, when the memories start flooding back.
Loved the hobbit name-generator but mine was so lame I won't even bother saying what it was. I'll just have to try again!
Have a lovely, warm, fuzzy X'mas!
Posted by: Yvette on December 17, 2004 05:32 PMMelissa--I can't tell you how many times I've slowly crept up to duck and goose decoys.
Posted by: Cuzzin Tom on December 17, 2004 05:36 PMWell, I don't know HOW I'll get through the next week without your stories and reader comments, so just to prolong things, I'll give you three of the most stupid things I've done (and these are the ones I'm admitting to...)
1. Several years ago, I bought a large bottle of apple juice. It was too large to fit on the shelf in my refrigerator. So I poured a glass and drank it all the way down, then tried again.
2. One day I went into my favorite coffee shop in Portland. They sold wonderful muffins and I always, invariably, bought one for breakfast. When on this particular morning I got into the shop, there were NO MUFFINS. In my shock, I asked the poor woman, "What happened?" "WE WERE ROBBED!!!" the shaken woman said. "OH MY GOD!" I yelled. "THEY TOOK YOUR MUFFINS????"
3. I too have no sense of direction. I think this may be because I really never have any idea where I am. Well, chicken and egg, I suppose. But the demonstration event was one day about twenty years ago a friend of mine and I were driving across the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. Now, having lived in Western Washington most of my life, I had memories of seeing the old "Galloping Gertie" film footage of the old bridge that fell spectacularly into the Narrows decades ago. "Is this the Tacoma Narrows Bridge?" I asked my friend. He nodded. "Wow", I said. "I've never been across this bridge before!" He turned slowly towards me and, also slowly, said, "We came over this bridge yesterday..."
There are countless others, but the best thing about these is they have nothing to do with sex, or other humiliating things. Well, not SUPER-HUMILIATING things.
On that cheery note, happy wonderful holidays everyone!
I am dying over Joan's apple juice incident. Me? After working all night, there's a particular stop sign in Alameda in front of which I have waited for the green on several occasions, like Kit. Usually takes a honk to get me moving.
And I'll share a sister Bethany story, since I'm the eldest and can: While working at a pet clinic, when she wanted to discuss anaesthesia with a client, she accidentally asked if the client wanted euthanasia for her pet.
Merry Christmas, Ryan and TMK! All love.
Posted by: Rachael on December 18, 2004 12:25 AMHi Ryan,
Just couldn't resist telling of one "moment". My three sons were about 8 (2 of them) and 10. They were unusually talkative at lunch one day. In a loud firm voice I said, "Boys, don't eat with your mouth full."
You have to know that this small faux pas continues to be brought up even though they are now in their collective 30's.
By the way, you will never hear me discuss cleaning products. I try not to use them.
Have a wonderful holiday.
June
Posted by: June on December 18, 2004 12:32 AMJune--I have a similar one with my mother. One night when I was little, I had my best friend Hunter over for dinner. We were a chronically silly pair. Finally, in exasperation, my mother shouted, "Boys, eat your elbows and get your hamburgers off the table!" I'm about to turn 39 and I still tease my mother about it.
Posted by: Cuzzin Tom on December 18, 2004 05:36 AMI just reread the comments and somehow missed Kristen's hilarious "condoms in the orange juice" story. Foreign gaffes are a whole 'nother category.
This spring I was in southern France visiting my father. One of my half-sisters also lives there and her boyfriend is the marketing partner of a small boutique vintner. I speak no French but understand some, and he spoke pretty good English. I wanted to buy a bottle of his wine as a present and when it came time to pay I asked if it was OK to use "plastique". He cocked his head at me with a quizzical stare but then laughed when I presented my credit card. He then gently explained that in France "plastique" is the word they use for plastic explosives.
Posted by: Cuzzin Tom on December 18, 2004 05:47 AMOkay, just one more stupid thing. Once I was at an office party and asked our super-Christian co-worker how long he had been a virgin.
Posted by: joan on December 18, 2004 06:10 PMOK, I love Joan.
I have done so many stupid things and there is so little time. How many times have I stood in front of a store door waiting for it to open for me when it was the "old fashioned" kind I had to push. Or all the times I have locked my car with the remote control key thingy and then turned and tried to unlock my front door with the same remote control key thingy.
Oh, here is a good one. When I was much younger and working on my undergraduate degree, I was taking a class and attended about twice. Well, I showed up for the final (I don't know why, there was no way I could pass it) and as soon as it quieted down and we opened our test I realized after a few minutes that this was not the final for my class. This was a class I was not registered for nor have ever taken. It was one of those huge classes with a gazillion students in an auditorium and 3 or 4 TAs and remember, I had been to it like two times.
I was too embarrassed to leave right away so I sat there and tried to take that final. I didn't put my real name or SS# on it so I'm sure it confused the heck out of them when they graded it. I wonder how I did...
Posted by: Laurie on December 18, 2004 09:54 PMOy, Ryan! I can easily embarrass myself in multiple languages, why not add Spanish? At least the condom story later proved useful when I was teaching Russian. It helped drive home the point that a big part of mastering a foreign language is being willing to make a complete idiot of yourself in public.
Thanks to everyone for sharing their less-than-brilliant moments, makes me feel not quite so all alone!
Happy holidays to all!
Posted by: Kristen on December 18, 2004 11:02 PMI love Joan, too. Oh man. Much hilarity from all these kick-ass stories!
I know I have some embarrassing stories, but apparently I've repressed them Really Really Well.
One of my favorite foolishness-in-a-foreign-language story is from my dad. My family were driving through Europe, going through Germany and France and ending up in Switzerland to visit Dad's relatives. Dad doesn't speak French, but he does speak the Italian-Swiss dialect which shares an awful lot with French. We'd just finished dinner at a little French restaurant and wanted to ask for the check--Mom spoke some French, my sister and I spoke about three words, but Mom couldn't remember the word for check. So Dad figured he'd try the Swiss dialect word.
The waiter gave us *such* a strange look but with much pantomiming we eventually conveyed what we wanted.
He left and we dove for the dictionary--and discovered that Dad had asked the waiter for a fairy tale. Ooops.
You want a bad sense of direction? On three separate occasions, in three separate regions of our country, I got so lost I entered the wrong state. That's not true. One of those instances includes driving past a "Welcome to Pennsylvania" sign six times, without ever driving past a welcome to Maryland sign. I thought I'd been in PA the whole time and was trying to get home to MD.... The first time I went to Delaware was on the way to Baltimore MD. And I lived 20 minutes South (or East, maybe) of Baltimore at the time. And I was going from South-West NY state to South-West Mass, and entered Vermont. I'm still not sure how that happened, but I should have gotten suspicious when I started seeing all the signs for Ben and Jerrys.
Does that count as stupidest thing?
If not, I've got HUNDREDS of them... hundreds...
Posted by: Amie on December 20, 2004 07:58 AMOh, I can add another stupid thing right now, after reading the comments.
Sure, now there are tears streaming down my face (and a client in the next room, let's hope I can recover) but just moments ago I said out loud "Why would anyone steal muffins?"
Posted by: Amie on December 20, 2004 08:03 AMRe: #32
I hardly even fly, but I was meeting my husband in California when his business meeting was over. I was so happy to have a window seat so I could enjoy the view. After it got dark, I looked out and saw the lights of another airplane right near the wing of my plane! I quietly observed it for awhile and became more nervous by the minute. I alarmed the people seated near me when I blurted out that an another airplane was in danger of hitting the wing of our plane! After they looked out the window, they calmly explained that those lights were on OUR plane. I wondered how the other airplane could stay at the same distance away the entire time!
I'm too sad to recall my dumbest moments... no Mossy Cottage for a week. It seems to me that you take a hell of a lot of vacations...
But I love you anyway!
Posted by: Janine on December 20, 2004 04:42 PMUntil about 2 yrs ago I was the one with the really long fuse.. so long, I had never had a fight in the past 3 relationships. Sadly, for Sue, I have seemed to overcome this long fuse. I now have less combustible, but more frequent, burts of anger. We are hoping that the move next week gives me some space to find the long fuse again.
nicknames? I've got a million. I don't have a middle name and so I've been "given" several. With a full name like Anjeanette I get alot of mispellings that I think are hilarious (angarnet, angernak, angillete) as well as shortened nicknames. Anj, Anjy, Anjy-Panjy, Nettie, the poptart, the milner (*the* being the middle name of course..), A.J., cheesehead, fromage tete (ryhmes with Anjeanette), and A LONG time ago on haven world (college geek life mind you) I got stuck with the name SeXKitten b'c every time I chose a name a person would tell me that the name I chose was taken. I went with that simply b'c she pissed me off.
no embarrassing moments I can remember, other than my everyday gaffs.
Posted by: anj on December 21, 2004 09:42 AMAm just cracking up at these great stories. :-) Have a wonderful holiday week!
Posted by: Stasia on December 21, 2004 06:45 PMokay
I love everyone who has posted....I do not feel so alone in my verbal faux pas
The worst in a foreign language was when i was eight and did not know much German yet when i went to Germany to visit my grandparents for Christmass. We wereout at a restauraunt and my mother left thetable to talk to some friends. My other mom and i were stranded and i was desperately thirsty but could not get any plain water. Wasser, the word for water, gets you mineral water. Finally after a lot of pantomime the waitress finally took us to the kitchens and we showed her the faucet and she understood, My family still teases me about it,
Frohe Wienachten und alles gutes in dem neus jahr