The worst way to wake up:
You’re finally asleep after an endless and torturously restless night.
The alarm goes off.
You whack the Snooze button.
You snuggle down for a few more minutes of shut-eye.
The local woodpecker discovers the metal flashing on your chimney.
Am I right, or am I right?
The Mysterious K will be the first to tell you that it is impossible for me to make a decision. About anything. While she would say that it’s because I’m an easily distracted ding-dong, I would say that it’s because my highly honed super-powers allow me to see the good and bad of all choices. Tomato, tom-ah-to. Either way, it is true I am decision-challenged, so you can imagine the mental and emotional turmoil when it came time to spend the $20 Elann gift certificate I received for my birthday.
The good news: Right now Elann doesn’t have a lot of yarn choices. (Is it me, or are they selling more and more books and patterns and less and less yarn?)
The even better news: The lack of yarns made it easy for me narrow my choices down to one selection, Peruvian Collection Highland Wool.
The bad news: I discovered they had 60...sixty...six-zero...color choices. I immediately started to feel woozy and had to call for some smelling salts.
The good news: I was able to narrow my color selection down to 8.
The bad news: When I reviewed my list of choices for the express purpose of whittling it down...I added two more colors. Sigh.
But the ultimate good news is I am now gleefully waiting for my box of Grand Canyon, Arizona Clay, Antique Rose, Rose Pink, Orchid Pink, Summer Fuchsia, Electric Blue, Celery, Peridot and Salmon to arrive. A veritable cornucopia of yarn!
Thank you, generous-friend-who-wishes-to-remain-anonymous, for the online SEX. (Er...I suppose I should explain to the non-knitters before they think this blog has gone totally porno. In knitter-speak, that acronym stands for a Stash Enhancing Expedition. It goes hand in hand with the SABLE (Stash Acquisition Beyond Life Expectancy).)
And, now, for no other reason than that they amuse me, TMK, and Cuzzin Tom greatly, back to marmots.
Thank you to Cat and Anj for shedding light on Anne’s comment about the Valentine's Marmot. (Anne, does it say something about me that I laughed out loud at your comment even though I had no frickin' idea what you were talking about?) I’m considering making a Valentine Marmot Feast one of our annual rituals. What's that you say? Don't be ridiculous; no one really knows how to cook marmot? Oh, but how wrong you are, Dear Readers. Thanks to this link sent by Park Ranger Susie, TMK and I are now marmot-cooking pros. Here you go, straight from the site—Marmot Cuisine for Dummies and People with Strong Stomachs:
[Marmots] are killed and cooked whole, without puncturing their skin. Cooked from the inside out by stuffing with hot rocks, while fur is singed off with a blowtorch. The animal puffs up and the arms and legs extend as steam and the stones cook the marmot from the inside.
Makes me wonder what would happen if you filled them with helium. Remember the scene in “Shrek” where Shrek inflates a frog, ties a string to it, and gives it to Princess Fiona as a balloon? Substitute a singed marmot and you’ll have a good idea of the image in my head.
Exploring the site further we also found this description of, yes, how to hunt marmot (suffice it to say it involves a lot of patience and, curiously, a white rabbit suit) and, for a little variety, this description of how to cook guinea pig (complete with a picture of a guinea pig carcass attractively arranged on a plate with accoutrements).
I say, give this spoiled, fat American something processed into a shape never seen in nature, sold on a sterile, white styrofoam tray, wrapped hygienically and tightly in plastic wrap that you could bounce a coin on, and with a quasi-reliable “use by” date. (In my defense, as a child living overseas, I did my time in Highly Questionable Food World. As my mother used to say, “My children were five before they realized rice wasn’t supposed to have legs.”)
(Speaking of guinea pigs, I present, after a long hiatus, a Kooky Kraft.)
But how do you stuff the marmot with rocks without puncturing its skin?
--Perplexed in Seattle
Posted by: Fran on April 8, 2005 10:22 AMOh, well, Fran, if you're going to go all *logical* on me...
Okay, here's what I found out, although it lacks detail:
"The head and insides are removed, then the meat is stuffed back inside along with red-hot stones. It is sealed up again and left to cook from the inside out for two hours."
Posted by: Ryan on April 8, 2005 10:27 AMOkay. Now that I've recovered from laughing so hard I almost ruptured something. I have to say the Kooky Kraft completely slayed me. Especially since the guinea pig looks completely freaked out about his/her new threads. (Not to mention the overlay of "cooked guinea pig on a bed of vegies and potatoes" that my brain is adding to the photo!)
TMK
Posted by: The Mysterious K on April 8, 2005 10:33 AMAs the past owner of two guineas...I suspect whomever put that dress on that pig has the scars to prove it. Sharp teeth/claws...besides, my pigs would have chewed the damn thing off in 10 second flat...
I am a lousy decision maker too. Sometimes, I can't make a decision and end up getting nuttin. But not often..;)
Posted by: Lisa in Oregon on April 8, 2005 10:42 AMLisa, as a rule, I'm very careful with my money but, on occasion, when I can't decide between two things, I buy both.
Additional note to Fran: You don't want to know how I FIRST theorized you could, er, "insert" rocks into a guinea pig without puncturing it.
TMK, hope you have recovered from your bout of hysterical laughter, complete with gasping and eye-wiping. (She called me in the middle of this; that's how I know.)
Posted by: Ryan on April 8, 2005 10:49 AMHoly cow that was funny. But now I have TWO reasons not to read your blog during lunch. It is quite possible to damn near choke on a tater tot when a picture of a guinea pig in a dress shows up. (Anyone else hearing Wesley Snipes in Too Wong Foo saying "Little Latino boy in a dress"???)
And reason #2, my tater tots aren't quite as tasty after seeing another guinea pig on a plate. Not that I am making disparaging remarks about other's eating habits, but blah.
Oh and the Marmot balloon image? Hysterical. Which led my mind into the belching part which I don't think would be a good way to sneak up on a marmot, with or without the bunny ears. Oh the pain....
Posted by: Stalker Angie on April 8, 2005 11:18 AMThese are cooking methods that are not illustrated in my "Joy of Cooking" volume!! And, this is about the weirdest blog-and-comment conversation thread I think I've ever seen! (I mean that in a good way... I think... except from the fuzzy animals' perspectives of course)
Posted by: Fran on April 8, 2005 11:22 AMAhh, yes. Thanks for yet another reminder of why I'm a vegetarian. (And, yes, I am aware of the ramifications of living in a spot that allows me to make the choice to avoid certain foods.)
The guinea pig dress was just tooooo much. And people wonder why their pets turn against them! (Though I did briefly enjoy the mental image of Daphne, the one among my cats who most likes to use her claws, in an oversized g-p dress.)
Posted by: Kristen on April 8, 2005 12:42 PMUh, everyone? I forgot to mention that there's a REASON why the owner of this guinea pig knit a dress for it. It's a HAIRLESS guinea pig...er, except for the head. No lie. Click on the first picture and you'll see.
Posted by: Ryan on April 8, 2005 01:18 PMWhat IS it with the flickers on the chimneys???? I've never had it happen before, but this year - the first time it happened, I thought there was something wrong with the plumbing. It didn't last very long, so I couldn't track it down. But he's come back over and over - and he looks just ridiculous on top of my chimney. Maybe Cuzzin Tom has some insight into this bird stuff . . .
Posted by: Patti on April 8, 2005 02:52 PMMy flickers do the chimney thing every year, Patti. This morning I ended up getting up, putting on my robe, going outside, throwing rocks at them, going back inside, taking off my robe and getting back in bed for my hard-won snooze. This was all done sound asleep, of course.
My crows bring their noisy fledglings to the roof every year, too. The most annoying crow, however, was the one who flew onto my roof with an empty cat food tin in its beak, balanced the can carefully and calculatedly on the very tippy-top of my very pointy A-frame roof...and flew away.
Posted by: Ryan on April 8, 2005 03:01 PMUnbelievable!!!!!!!! Guinea pig dress pattern vs. guinea pig on a platter. Could have used these back in the good-old-days teaching 3rd and 4th graders. Our guinea pig population increased rapidly enough to populate the apartments of many children. Since I taught the kids to knit, the little dress would have made a PERFECT project. Thanks for being so totally, totally entertaining.
Posted by: Beth on April 8, 2005 04:02 PMI was totally expecting the "dressed" guinea pig to somehow involve lettuce and other salad fixin's. And that stuffing an unpunctured marmot carcasss involved, well, you know. Anytime I can be of further service in the "bizarre food experiences/demise of small critters" category, just let me know.
Posted by: Susie on April 8, 2005 05:04 PMYes. The Valentine marmot.
Now, it was explained to you, right, that in the original strip -- the one that got bowlderized in some cities -- it was the Valentine beaver?
much love. To both of you.
Posted by: Anne on April 8, 2005 05:50 PMRyan, dearest, I know the guinea pig in question is hairless. I still don't think she needs a dress. I don't think the ASPCA will think she needs a dress either. It is, IM-always-HO, definitely a Kooky Kraft(tm)!
Posted by: Kristen on April 8, 2005 09:38 PMHahaha.
LOVE the return of the Kooky Kraft. Especially good to share with non-knitting co-workers to make them realize how far ranging and open minded knitters really are!
Posted by: Susanna in Seattle on April 9, 2005 12:23 AMI like how marmot is described as tasting "beefy" while guinea pigs have a "gamey, chicken" taste.
Posted by: Susie on April 10, 2005 11:19 AMYou're last paragraph made me laugh out loud and knod in agreement - bring on the processed and unrecognizable for me too! ;}
Posted by: Kim on April 11, 2005 07:28 AMOkay, it's only 9:46 in the morning and I have to clean the sprayed coffee off my computer screen. Why can't I learn NOT to read your blog when my mouth is full??
Posted by: joan on April 11, 2005 09:49 AM