January 04, 2006
Emotional Eating
For almost 20 years I’ve suffered under the delusion that The Mysterious K enjoyed making our Thanksgiving and Christmas apple pies. Because her pies are so picture-book perfect, I was convinced she shared at least some nano-portion of her soul with the gingham-clad, ruddy-cheeked, cheerful grandma of old and that she lived for the moment when she could place on the counter a golden-crusted, sugar-dusted, steaming, sweet, cinammon- and nutmeg-laced fruit confection and wave away the mischievous but sweet street urchins who were determined to steal a slice.
This year, however, I actually watched her make a pie, and learned The Awful Truth. First, she does not whistle or sing gaily while she joyfully dusts the counter with flour, and bluebirds certainly do not tie her apron into a plump bow around her waist and then sit on her shoulder and twitter in delightful harmony. Nor does she throw open sweet little cottage shutters to let buttery sunlight flood the kitchen, nor does she twirl around the kitchen in shiny Mary Janes, nor does she do a little Irish jig while she rolls out the crust.
Instead, I learned, she is scary-efficient. The oven gets turned on. Apples get peeled. Crusts get made. Crusts get chilled. Crusts get rolled out. The pie gets assembled. The pie gets baked. The pie is removed from the oven. The pie is placed on the counter. The pie gets covered. The dishes get washed. She leaves the kitchen.
I could have dealt with all of this—truly—until the moment when she got angry at the pie. No gingham apron, I could handle. No cheerful whistling, I could handle. No twittering bluebirds, I could handle. No sprightly two-step, I could handle. But angry? Angry at our pie? Good God, what blasphemy was this?!
In her defense, there was a reason for it. She made two identical crusts. Identical. I-D-E-N-T-I-C-A-L. The first rolled out beautifully, the second was dry so it tore, forcing her to make a third. To TMK, this was inefficient. It was not linear. And it was so dad-blasted illogical that two identical pie crusts would behave so differently that it made her mad.
At this point, in fear for our Christmas dessert, I reminded TMK of the movie “Like Water for Chocolate,” in which all the food made by the main character absorbs the emotions she’s feeling while she’s cooking, and then it imparts those feelings a hundredfold onto the people who eat it. If she’s feeling…er, amorous…orgies break out. If she’s feeling sad, great bawling, beating of chests, and tearing out of hair ensues. You get the idea.
I hinted to TMK that perhaps, as in the movie, her anger was going to cause her to bake an angry pie. Tongue-in-cheek, she agreed that that might, indeed, be the case but that I needn’t worry since all of the anger would be contained in one particular slice and, to avoid the problem, we just wouldn’t eat that slice. Problem solved.
Two days after Christmas, TMK drove to Eastern Washington for her mother’s retirement party and I stayed at TMK’s to dog-sit. And this is what I discovered waiting for me in the refrigerator:
I had been warned.
Mmm... that's some yummy looking pie, angry or not! But I guess that's the logical opposite of sweetie pie...
Once, while I was making a rhubarb strawberry pie (I think), I got so mad at the pastry for tearing and being stupid that I actually hit it. While it was sitting there on top of the filling. I pulled back a bit at the last second, so there wasn't a great exploding mess, but there was a distinct handprint in it. Since then hy husband has always been a bit worried whenever I start making pastry...
Posted by: Aven on January 4, 2006 10:15 AMI have a love/hate relationship with baking/candy making etc.
Whilst making divinity this christmastime, certain individuals found that being in the kitchen while syrup was brought to hard crack stage and then beaten into eggwhites and most especially getting the crap ...uh...candy...into lovely swirls on parchment BEFORE it went dry and difficult...well...it just wasn't a good idea to be in the kitchen.
"I thought you said you LIKED to make this stuff?"
To which I replied...yeah. I do. what about it?
Posted by: Lisa in Oregon on January 4, 2006 10:19 AMOh, but it looks like the RIGHT KIND O' PIE. You will be interested to know that most people don't make the RIGHT KIND OF pie. According to the definition of my mother, my sisters, me, and my daughter. Everyone else's pies are shite in our opinions, but TMK's looks RIGHT. So, add another thing I must do in my lifetime: Taste one of TMK's apple pies. She could possibly be a member of the infinitessimally small club that knows HOW to make the RIGHT KIND OF PIE. (it was the addition of nutmeg that tipped me off first. Most people don't add nutmeg to their apple pies. Cretins.)
Posted by: Norma on January 4, 2006 10:23 AMfunny thing. I LIKE to cook. in fact I would say I LOVE to cook.. but Sue is always asking.. "if you like it so much, why are you angry?" I think it is b'c I want to show how much I like to cook by making something that looks perfect. like the RIGHT KIND OF PIE Norma was discussing. it has to LOOK as good as I want it to look so it can taste as good as I want it to taste.
Is that so wrong?
Posted by: anj on January 4, 2006 10:32 AMThe above discussion is why my culinary skills are limited to toast and take-out. I must say, though, that I make a fabulous pie crust, despite the fact that I really dislike most pie (and I never eat the crust, even if I like the filling). Nothing like my niece's, though - her crusts put Martha S to shame. (Every year, her Thanksgiving pumpkin pie crust has a different "theme" - last year it was tiny leaves around the edges, this year it was little cutout turkeys, with little curliques of crust in the center of the pie...)
Posted by: Carrie on January 4, 2006 10:54 AMOh, this is hilarious!
There's either something very wrong, or something very right, with TMK for thinking of doing this!
(On the other hand, I'm still a bit confused by the idea of there still being pie left, two days after Christmas....)
Beautiful pie, and sweet hilarious story. What more could a loyal reader want?
Posted by: MaryB in Richmond on January 4, 2006 10:55 AMHmmmm. That looks very very flaky and good. I'd risk it for sure!
P.S. just finished reading Julie & Julia by Julie Powell, who spent one year cooking every friggin recipe in Mastering the Art of French Cooking. Pretty funny and often angry cooking!
Um ... is it my imagination or is there a bite taken out of the end of that slice of Angry Pie?
My husband makes all the pie crusts at our house, generally perfectly. Of course, it did take him a few years to perfect the technique.
Thank you for asking. Yes we did eat all of the various efforts. Don't our waistlines show it?
If only all food communicated so clearly, how much easier life would be. "Anxious Steak", "Weary Corn on the Cob" or "Giddy Chili", I'd be able to make an appropriate choice.
Posted by: jenifleur on January 4, 2006 11:49 AMWho doesn't put nutmeg into an apple pie? Without nutmeg, it isn't an apple pie. It's faux-apple, and might as well be made from Ritz crackers.
I'd be willing to risk feeling a tad hostile for a bite of that pie. It looks delicious.
Posted by: Ruth on January 4, 2006 12:33 PMOmigod! TMK, don't bake angry!
Posted by: Patti on January 4, 2006 12:57 PMAlso, freshly ground/grated nutmeg is required because its awesome and SO different to the ready-powdered stuff.
The Angry Pie with sign made me laugh out loud. How wonderful!
Posted by: Melanie on January 4, 2006 12:59 PMI think it is the sweetest thing in the world - that TMK would leave you a funny in the fridge for when you miss her. That pie looks a thousand times better than my resentful yogurt and sadly-resigned wasa crackers.
Posted by: Elaine on January 4, 2006 01:00 PMMy mother always used nutmeg in her apple pies, but never cinnamon because my father doesn't like it (actually, I think apple pie is one of the few places cinnamon DOES belong) so I grew up with nutmeg. Of course, on the rare occasions I make apple pie I use both spices :)
You should make her something "happy" :)
Posted by: Robbyn on January 4, 2006 01:28 PMMy mind's eye interpretation of all this amusing me to an embarrassing degree. don't care! thanks for the giggleshivers.
Posted by: marylee on January 4, 2006 04:32 PMToo funny!!!
My husband (who has cooked, seriously, for a president and a prime minister, and many a sports team, in earlier life in another town) and I (not too shabby in the desserts and cooking either) CANNOT make pie. We love pie. But the last time we attempted pastry, we THREW the pastry across the kitchen (not at each other thank goodness). So I can relate to TMK's angry pie. Now we laugh. And buy a store crust to make our pies. Nutmeg on the apples though. Always.
Well. She's a keeper, but obviously you knew that!
Posted by: Anne on January 5, 2006 05:04 AMLOVE the slice label!!! :D I am one who doesn't care to cook, at all, but I luckily managed to find someone who not only doesn't mind cooking, but actually loves it (and is passing that love and talent down to our 6 year old). The only downside is that I do get asked to help her...peeling, chopping and grating are about all I'm allowed to do.
Great blog...stumbled across it via Pink Purl Girl. :)
Posted by: Carry on January 5, 2006 08:30 AMI laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes. The staff at school is now convinced that I've lost my mind to some Chemistry syllabus/planning thing. Thanks for the guffaw!
Posted by: Michele on January 5, 2006 08:31 AMBest use of a label maker. Seriously.
Posted by: jpt on January 5, 2006 10:23 AMCutest. Story. Ever. I love that she actually made a slice of angry pie, then labled it. It's perfect.
I too am confused about pie left over after 2 days. Weird.
Posted by: Stalker Angie on January 5, 2006 03:14 PMOkay. In answer to the "left over pie after two days." There are only two of us. How much pie do you guys expect us to eat in two days!! ;-) TMK
Posted by: The Mysterious K on January 5, 2006 03:29 PMVery good one TMK. That is so hilarious. So what happened when the angry pie was eaten, I want to know?
Posted by: CarolineF on January 5, 2006 07:12 PMMmmm. Angry pie! *drool*
Posted by: Ranger Susie on January 6, 2006 05:18 AMTMK: What's your point? Yeah...there's "only" two of you...but geez...only looks like maybe three slices were out of the pie...Don't y'all eat pie for breakfast like the rest of us? ;-P
Posted by: Lisa in Oregon on January 6, 2006 08:15 AMhmmm...I wonder if I'm going to be responsible for a divorce sometime in the future. Once upon a time when I was decorating cakes I got so pissed off at a wedding cake that I ended up decorating it while screaming along to the Metallica Black Album blasting as loud as I could have it without blowing the speakers...
Posted by: JessaLu on January 6, 2006 05:40 PMThat pie looks so good that I think I would have taken a chance on the Angry piece. With enough vanilla ice cream on it, I'm sure it would be OK.
And I agree on the leftover pie for breakfast thing. If you put vanilla ice cream on it, I think it certainly has all the major food groups that you need to start your day.
LOL! I love TMK.
Posted by: Laurie on January 7, 2006 07:14 PMThis is making me gigglesnort madly. I'm glad we're not the only family that puts signs on stuff.