January 22, 2007
Where is Darwin When You Need Him?
Not weird: A raccoon saunters across your urban yard.
Weird: The raccoon has no tail. No tail. No injury where there might have been a tail. No safety pin or Velcro where there might have been a tail if he hadn’t had a few too many at Mo and Edwina’s 25th anniversary shindig last night and left it at the coat check. Just a round, furry, sassy, tail-free, bear-like raccoon tushie, waddling down TMK's side yard.
Even weirder: Despite the astronomical odds against it, three seconds later, another raccoon without a tail ambles across the yard. Different raccoon, since, in fairness, this guy, Mr. Machismo, sported at least a stump. What the?! Either TMK’s house sits at the vortex of a genetically haywire raccoon population, or it’s something in the water. We’re stocking up on Perrier. Just in case.
Time for your weekly dose of girl-crushing, you members of the TMK Fan Club. A few years ago, I wrote:
"I need some serious epicurean help! At this moment, in my refrigerator, I have two little plastic cups of chocolate pudding and some old Monterey Jack cheese. Period. Last night for dinner, I had a tin of mandarin oranges, which I ate with a sad little plastic fork. Sigh.
If TMK had in her refrigerator only the same pudding and cheese I have, somehow she’d manage to make a luscious stir-fry of peppers, onions and marinated barbecued chicken strips on a steaming bed of jasmine rice, and her kitchen would be immaculate when she was done. I have no idea how she does it."
Well, she did it again. Last night, at about 6 p.m. I hied myself into the bathroom for a shower. I left TMK happily ensconced in her recliner, clicking away on the remote. When I came out again at 6:15, there was a pear crisp baking in the oven and TMK was still sitting in her recliner, not having moved, as far as I could tell, one inch. I checked everywhere in the house for a conical hat with stars on it, a velvet robe and a wand, but there was nothing. So, yet again, how does she do that?
Remember this, the sweater I was making out of TMK’s “Tropical Juice” and the Percentage Raglan Pullover Pattern?
May it rest in peace (or RIP. How apropos.). Despite having dedicated many hours to going round and round and round and increasing and increasing and increasing, all with itty-bitty needles, I threw in the towel when I discovered I was making something with sleeves that would fit a two-month-old and a body that would fit a two-year-old. I'd seen this happen with other sweaters knit using this pattern but thought mine would be, oh, you know, different. The arrogance of me.
Great rippage ensued and I’m slowly lumbering forward again using the Diamond Baby Ensemble. This pattern is much more interesting, much more fun and, most importantly, more easily fudged when things go south. Not that it doesn't have its hinkiness, including one set of instructions that are physically impossible given the limitations of the known universe, and sleeves with no diamonds on them, despite the promise of diamonds in the picture.
Ferals tonight! Perhaps the secret to the Olympic Squirrel neck steek will be revealed. Stay tuned.
(P.S. If your comment has disappeared, it's not subtle editorializing on my part, just some sloppy spam cleanup I did this afternoon. My bad.)
Hey, I much prefer the diamond pattern myself...The yarn and pattern compliment each other well.
Jodie is much as you describe TMK. If I make something, every dish in the house somehow ends up dirty and the counters/floor look like 40 people just had a rousing party in there...she can cook and clean it up in 1/4 of the time it takes me just to get all the stuff in one place.
Posted by: Lisa in Oregon on January 22, 2007 02:27 PMSounds like someone is trapping raccoons, and they are losing their tails from the traps. Hope not, because things like that make me want to put the trapper's (ahem) into the trap........ It was a big thing several years ago down here to have a raccoon tail on your car. Never did want to hang out with those kinds of people..........
Now it's pear crisps? That it. I'm gonna have to push my way to the front of the "TMK Idolization Line" and just hope against hope she's available, or at least so I can get first dibbies on her clone. sigh. Now I want pear crisps. sigh. I'm gonna go now and crush a little bit in the corner...............
I LOVE the sweater and love the diamonds......
Posted by: Nancy O. on January 22, 2007 02:35 PMNancy O: Trapping them for their tails? That's something I hadn't thought of. But raccoon tails aren't big around this bustling modern metropolis. However, it's a very disturbing thought. If it makes you feel any better, the raccoons looked fat and healthy, none the worse for the wear, whatever is going on.
Oh, and as for TMK, not available. ;-) (BTW, remind me to tell you about the time she tried to make another pear dish and more or less blew up her oven. Even she has her moments.)
Posted by: Ryan on January 22, 2007 02:50 PMWord to the wise: When poaching pears in brandy, in the oven...don't close the oven door all the way. Can you say "brandy, ignite" in a closed space?...boom!
Posted by: The Mysterious K on January 22, 2007 02:55 PMPoor victims of black market tail-napping. They were probably on their way to the stumpy support group with the three legged rabbits and my stump-tailed Simon.
Posted by: Elaine on January 22, 2007 03:09 PMI won't believe this instant pear crisp TMK magic of which you speak until she comes to my house and proves it. Which, TMK, you are really, truly, more than welcome to do any time. And if you happen to find anything in my fridge that can be magicked with in other ways, feel free to have at it. Thank you.
Posted by: Rachel H on January 22, 2007 03:40 PMI live north of you a bit, and last night I saw three raccoons ambling across the road. Although, they each had a full tail. Raccoons are not overly often seen in my neck of the woods, and then to see you post about them, well, bit strange.
I like the diamond sweater.
Posted by: Adrienne on January 22, 2007 04:19 PMAs a beginner knitter, it's awfully nice to hear that even knitting superheros have troubles sometimes...
The new project looks lovely!
By the way, I'm tempted to kidnap TMK and see if she can work her magic in my oven... I've never once even turned it on...
Posted by: kim on January 23, 2007 12:51 AMWe have a family of squirrels in our yard who have white fluffy bunny tails instead of normal grey squirrel tails. I don't even want to know how that happened.
Posted by: jordan on January 23, 2007 04:11 AMI know how she does it, but I'm not telling. Because then my husband would know how I do it, and he'd want me to do it All. The. Time. and I'd never see the inside of a restaurant again. Not good.
TMK, you did NOT explode the brandy, did you?
(I'm laughing with you. Really.)
Posted by: Lee Ann on January 23, 2007 06:32 AMWe have a raccoon mama who nests in a tree cavity in our yard. She has a tail which she uses to tease our mutt (jack russell/chihuahua). Perhaps your raccoons were less successful at tormenting neighborhood dogs and got stumpified in the process.
Posted by: martha in mobile on January 23, 2007 06:36 AMhmmmmm. seen any kids wandering around in hats with long stripey tails hanging off them? ewwww, I know. sorry.
Pear crisp on the other hand.....sigh.....
Mmmm, pear crisp. That funny noise you hear under the bed? It's me. I'm secretly living under there now so I can steal delicious desserts and beautiful hand-spun yarn.
Posted by: Laurie on January 23, 2007 11:58 AMLaurie--great idea! Is there room under there for me too? :) I have no idea how to poach a pear, down here it means to snitch one off of someone's tree, so I'm up for anything that leads to correctly baked yummies.
Posted by: Nancy O. on January 23, 2007 12:56 PM
Raccoons without tails sound wrong, if a bit corgi-ish.
Pear crisp sounds wonderful.
I wonder if scientists will ever identify the specific differences in people's brains that can cook delicious foods easily, without undue mess while the rest of us have to content ourselves with a poor imitation of the desired results while we scrape yet another burned pan or casserole dish.
I laughed so hard at "safety pin or velcro"!
Regarding that raglan generator - I developed a deep suspicion of its math when I tried to plug in the numbers for the Avalanche yarn. If memory serves, according to the pattern's instructions, one would begin by casting on a negative number of stitches. Uh huh.
Posted by: Erika on January 25, 2007 12:51 PMOn the 28th we were visited by 3 raccoons - during the day. One of them also had no tail. It, too, looked like it was "normal" - a genetic aberration? He/she was also brownish in colour. The other two, younger raccoons were normal in appearance.
Posted by: Joanne D on January 30, 2007 05:17 PM