January 07, 2008
Bags of Meat, and Elephants
Because of The Troubles, I must confess that I’ve been more than a little unreliable at work. My production is not up to par, and occasionally I’ve needed to just up and leave when my nerves have become worn down to the very last healthy, sane, functioning one. My behavior must look a little odd to the other people here since I’m usually a very steady, reliable, quasi-jolly sort—and no one knows about my “lifestyle” or The Troubles, so there’s no rational explanation for why I’m doing what I’m doing. However, I’ve discovered the one thing that will really make you look like a whack job: Walk in to the office carrying, inexplicably, a ziplock bag full of meat. Now, there is a logical explanation for this: TMK made a pork tenderloin this weekend and sent some of the leftovers with me this morning. But at the last minute, before I launched myself out the door in my usual Monday-morning flurry, she discovered she had no opaque shopping bag, no paper bag, no nauseatingly cutesie Hello Kitty lunchbag, no nothing to camoflauge what I was carrying. Sure, I put the bag in the refrigerator as soon as I got to work but for one brief, shining moment, I saw myself as the others must see me: The Crazy Lady doing the Quasimodo-shuffle through the office corridors, clutching fiercely and possessively to a small bag of meat. Any minute now, my keycard should mysteriously stop working.
Remember this?
See what I tried to do there? See how I tried to be all knitting-blog-adorable and say the sweater was big enough to fit an elephant and then took a picture of the sweater with an actual elephant in it? Yeah, well, my friends, thirteen inches into the sweater, I got my comeuppance: It is big enough to fit an elephant. And not a toy one. One like this:
No, no, not a cartoon elephant. A real one, like this. Only bigger. Much, much bigger.
And it’s heavy. So heavy that at its current length of just a skosh over a foot, I can already imagine my boobies being squashed down by the massive gravitational forces of fifty pounds of fabric stretching down to my ankles. (Add a bag of meat to that outfit, and you’re talking a major can of crazy!) And the stitch pattern and the yarn are having yowling catfights with each other, calling each other ugly and frumpy and skanky and two-bit ho’s. So I think it’s back to square one with this guy but not before I apply Rule #1 of Knitting: Before—before—you frog something, take lots of measurements, up, down and sideways, and do lots of calculations, since doing this after the sweater has been reduced to a large, amorphous pile of slightly kinked yarn is not quite as effective or revealing or mathematically accurate. Ask me how I know.
Update on the Baby Harris Project: Step-pappy reports that the whole thing was a smashing success! Apparently every item was taken out multiple times during the course of the weekend and paraded in front of the new baby, new mom, friends, family and extended family. And I'm not surprised, since I had to take everything out of the boxes and do some similar parading at least five or six times during the few hours that the boxes were in my office. You did good work, ladies. Amazing, fantastic, heartwarming work. Thank you.
Now, off to whisper sweet nothings to my bag of meat.
P.S. Wish Mossy Cottage luck, Dear Readers. As far as I know, I am now the owner of the nwkniterati domain name for the next three years. However, since I was clueless during the entire domain-name transfer process, and since the domain name is scheduled to expire tomorrow, who the hell knows what's going to happen? Fingers crossed everyone!!
Posted by Ryan at January 7, 2008 03:35 PMNo harm in having the coworkers fear you a little. It keeps them from talking your ear off when you'd rather be eating from your bag of meat. ;^)
Fingers and needles crossed!
Posted by: Cookie on January 7, 2008 04:01 PMFunny post! I cracked up at the "Add a bag of meat to that outfit". Good thing my son is used to me laughing aloud at the computer!
Happy 2008.
Posted by: Toni on January 7, 2008 04:11 PMI'm a little freaked out right now. I just posted an entry that ended "Fingers crossed, people!" ...BEFORE I read your blog.
Posted by: Erika on January 7, 2008 05:22 PMTalking to a bag of meat sounds like something that I would do! And it's nice to see that my thoughts of "what, a cartoon elephant?" were seen coming in advance... although slightly disturbing ;-)
Posted by: Anne on January 7, 2008 05:54 PMSo would that be an African elephant or an Indian elephant? Inquiring minds want to know ;-)
Posted by: kmkat on January 7, 2008 06:42 PMIf it was raw meat you could slam it down and give them the 'look'. It might get you some vacation time.
Posted by: Punkin on January 7, 2008 07:25 PMI agree with Cookie--it's always useful to have people at work just a little afraid of you. I'm glad the Baby Harris project was a success! I've got my fingers and toes crossed for the domain name transfer.
Posted by: Kristen on January 7, 2008 09:04 PMMmmm...bag of meat...
Posted by: Laurie on January 7, 2008 09:11 PMA little fear is a good thing. Always keep 'em guessin' I always say.
Glad the Baby Harris project went so well. Glad I could help in my small way.
Hugs to you and TMK.
Posted by: Cynthia on January 8, 2008 06:43 AMVery cute elephant! I just stumbled upon your blog because I'm getting ready to launch into natural dyes, and google came up with your dye garden dyegest (love it). Any words of wisdom? I have huge plans for the garden next year, but am using extracts for now. Also, no plans to use any mordants that are poisonous for the environment or my kids!
Posted by: Tricia on January 8, 2008 06:50 AMYou have your meat, I have a pink scarf. I pretend that the scarf "talks" to me--keeps people from bothering me in my office. lol! But it's all good. Let us know if it gets you vacation time, cuz then I'll try it. :)
Hugs to you, TMK, and Frankie!
Posted by: Nancy O. on January 8, 2008 06:53 AMSo, I googled nwkniterati and came up with all-Ryan-all-the-time. Fun! Great Name! You're so clever. Why can't I think up stuff like that? Oh yeah, I remember: we established last night that I have no brain right now. Perhaps later...
Posted by: Rebecca on January 8, 2008 10:22 AMDear Ryan, In the "better late than never" category, I am apologizing for not commenting during the turmoil of the last few months. Do lame, "I was thinking *HARD* about you and sending you good energy," count? I truly was. All the best to the both of you. In life, I'm afraid, "No pain, no gain" tends to be true.
Posted by: Laura Sue on January 8, 2008 10:58 AMRebecca, I'm afraid I can't take any credit for the nwkniterati name. It was the brainchild of the blogger who owned the domain name before me and who generously allowed me to "squat" on the domain name for years.
Posted by: Ryan on January 8, 2008 11:16 AMIn many societies the giving of bags of meat is a sign of progress through Troubles. I take this as a Very GOod Omen!
Posted by: MaryB in Richmond on January 8, 2008 12:35 PMdu u no how hrd t s to typ w/ crssssd fngrs???? OK, crossed my TOES until I'm done typing. Sending loving vibes your direction (in the scent of sweetgrass). And I LOVE the whole bag o' meat bit. Sounds like something that would be safe in the common fridge...also sounds like something ("pork tenderloin") that would be VERY worthwhile taking for lunch. I myself talk to a beanybaby pug who lives on my dashboard - even when I'm not with him. But see, at my age you're called "quaint" and "elderly" and "senile", and they hardly notice.
Posted by: dale-harriet in WI on January 8, 2008 04:23 PMHoping that all, domain included, works well. I can't even imagine how hard it is to not be able to be open about difficulties in your life. I have a friend who went thru a 'divorce' after a 20 year partnership and had to pretend at work that her room mate had decided to move out. No big deal. ARGH!
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