Mossy Cottage Knits

ryan, know that you are loved beyond measure. i hate those days when depression runs amok and the grey threatens so deeply as to fade to black. sending you soft thoughts of brilliant colour.

You know, the rhythms of my life go all to hell when I sit down with my favorite beverage at the end of a long day, hook up with the Internet, go to find you and you weren't there for a long, long time. I can relate with what you have been going through lately to a lesser extent. So glad to read you again and wish you continued good humor, sunny days, longer daylight, and great support from close friends.

I was surprised by how much I related to your Galaxy Quest reference.

Hearing someone hum the theme song to Space Odyssey while working the espresso maker - priceless.

I remember seeing an interview with his sweetness, the dalai lama, and someone said "what;s with this suffering, how can I overcome this" and he said, pinching his arm, " if you have one of these you are going to suffer" ....pleeeease....so not exactly uplifting but apparently suffering is unavoidable as long as you are in your body....lol..good luck

We worry when you don't post... take care of yourself, 'K?

Taking walks and not thinking about anything but what you see and do on the walk have helped me. You have to intentionally and deliberately pull yourself out of your funk... when you start to slip under you need to grab hold of something that gives you pleasure (knitting, anyone?) and DON'T THINK ABOUT THE BAD STUFF!

Would it help if there were 2 straight, white, republican christians who are inspired by you? I am. Hang in there, girlfriends.

Ry, this is the Time of Year for anyone inclined to the Dismals being hit with 'em. For some those pretend-sunlight lamps help; for others it's good and wise medication (I'm a great believer in Better Living Through Chemistry, without which I wouldn't be. Better living.) and yes, you and TMK ARE an inspiration in this day and age of people falling apart all over the place. Sometime I'll e-mail you my Philosophy of Love. (Remember, I'm an Unrepentant Hippie Wiccan-Pantheistic-Jewish-Historical-Interpreting-Bubbeh of Advancing age.) And I'm lovin' y'all from the sunny climes of Wisconsin. (Sunny, but -12, nevermind.)

It happens, to many more people than you'd expect. Props to you for recognizing it, not being afraid/embarrassed to get help and treatment, and blogging about it! You're an amazing person, doncha know?

Love the "Espresso Odyssey: 2001" song - I can hear it now...

You inspire some of us sorta straight, white, flaming liberals married to straight, not-white, politically-unaffiliated conservatives too. :-D

Now I am going to have to sing that song when I make my latte in the morning.

I was going to offer to knit you a (pink and brown) hat and send you some chocolate, but now that you've joined a gym, it just seems wrong.

We all struggle, Ryan. It's part of being human. The people who say they don't are lying, drunk or both. Take care of yourself please and remember that no matter how bad it gets, we still love you and TMK.

♥

It does suck....giant, sweaty rhino di&k. If knowing that your not alone provides any comfort..know that you're not alone. Thank God for modern medicine because if it weren't for the chemicals that provide some much needed relief, I think I might have ended up much the same way Heath Ledger did (bless his sweet, sensitive heart).

My heart goes out to you. I had a very bad bout of depression a couple of years ago and came through it with the medication and a great doctor and psychologist. I still need to be vigilant about it, and do the things on a daily basis that keep it at bay. Exercise, meditation and taking time for myself. I also find there's a lot to be said for faking it until you make it. Knitting and other craft helps me a lot, but it sometimes something I need to push myself to start. Hang in there, I'm thinking of you. It *will* get better now you've got the right help.

I'm so dyed-in-the-wool happy that you and TMK are back together and working it out. You two are normally so devoted to each other and that kind of devotion is rare and precious. I've so been there and done that on the depression thing. In fact, any evidence to the contrary - it's been my "normal" state most of my life - it's just never fun talking about it. Meds are a life-saver - and if they're not helping right away? - don't assume you're doomed. Every person is different and it can take some amount of time to get the right dose of the right meds. I've always loved the title of Richard Farina's book "Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up To Me." Yep - it often be that way. I'm sure you've heard this but depression is so linked into your physical wellbeing that one being off can keep the other going wrong for some time. And the biggest thing I've found is - it doesn't matter how well your life is going or if you have a "good" reason. Depression can easily be independent of all that and continue on it's merry (not!) way. So just keep up the normal things and activities and people associations whether you feel like it or not and it WILL get better. Do we need an OUTING? I'll be back in a week and am always up for an OUTING!!!! Heh...

The rebellion of the brain chemistry is an awful thing. Many hugs to you. And to a fellow sufferer may I just say that Seattle's suffocating grayness of clouds DOES NOT HELP!!!!!! (Ask me how I know this???)

You have my thoughts, my prayers, my virtual hugs. Take care of yourself and glad to hear the good news about you and TMK.

Are y'all going to Madrona?

Ryan, so glad to see you posting! Your posts frequently make my day. Hang in there. All we can do it take it moment by moment because sometimes even a day at a time can seem like too much!! You have more friends than you know.

Hang in there, Ryan! So glad that you and TMK are doing better. As much as I miss your regular posts -- I hope that you are able to take the time and whatever else you need to come out the other side of this struggle a "better" person (whatever that means!)-- we'll all be here, patiently waiting.

On my home computer I have a rather wonderful article on depression I found through Lene at The Seated View. It helped me enormously at a time in 2006 when my depression was at its worst, and you may find it helpful too. If you'd like it, just let me know where to send it. That feeling of 'how do I have the right to feel this bad?' Dude. I lived it. And it was deep and worse than I want to go into here. But with help I have come out the other side better and stronger than before.

Everyone's different, so I don't want to give you advice but I do want to share that the thing that worked best for me was finding a therapist to help me truly see where I was (depression doesn't let you 'truly' see anything) and how to move away from that place. We were also able to make sure my meds were at the right dosage for me, which is Key when dealing with these kinds of medications. And eventually, we were able to take me off them.

This is my hope for you as well. In the meantime, know you're in the loving thoughts and virtual hugs of many, many people.

Why not work on some bright yellow thick socks? You love to knit socks, and if you had a bright sunny color in your hands, it might make you feel better.

We do miss you when you are quiet.

You are inspiring. And I am a liberal lesbian.

Depression is so difficult; I know. Try to eat well, get enough sleep and be gentle with yourself. Sometimes it just takes time to get through it.

I understand what you are going through only too well. My brain chemistry has been screwy for, well, a long, long time. The only thing I can say is hang in there the best you can on the bad days and take advantage of the good ones. And TMK is right: exercise. I have to really force myself to go out and walk on a lot of days, but it always helps. Even if the weather is crap. I don't power walk or compete against myself for better times, I just walk. I look at the scenery and just put one foot in front of the other and this simple thing always makes me feel better. Keep on keepin' on--we're here!

Whenever I feel that way about knitting and life in general, I remember EZ's injunction to "Knit on with confidence and hope, through all crises."

Hey, it's good to hear from you whenever you're able to post. I totally understand where you are right now, and having been through two hideous bouts with depression, I can tell you that it does end, and that it's good to get whatever help you need to get you through to the other side. Also, having been with my husband for 19 years, I know just how bad a very loving relationship can get sometimes, and just how much work it can take to keep things moving through the bad patches. You guys are an inspiration to all of us. Hang in there -- we're all pulling for you.

Don't worry about the knitting. It will come back when it's time for it to come back.( I've had this experience with both knitting and reading,at the same time.)You can't force it. Meanwhile, you are doing the right things- the meds, the excercise. Walking can be good for getting the brain chemistry back in line. But try pampering yourself a bit too- some extra endorphins certainly couldn't hurt! It all just takes time.

Oh,and get plenty of rest. And know you are loved and supported by lots of people, most of whom may have never met you in person but who respect and admire you from afar.

I'm glad to hear things are looking up on many fronts, and I can sympthasize with the brain chemistry farts. You know how you feel in the middle of a cold, when you don't think you'll ever feel like doing a damn thing ever again? Yeah, wacky brain chemistry is like that, only without the from-a-distance, objective observation of oneself with a cold. Hang in there, meds help, exercise helps, TMK helps (I hope), and friends help. Knitting helps, too, you know. ;~)

The Black Hole of January - familiar territory to me; I'm clawing my way out of it myself. You're on the right track with the exercise - if you can get outdoors to walk in the sun it will help unless you smooth freeze to death.

Ryan, is it hijacking your blog to ask Dale-Harriet in Wisconsin to share her Philosophy of Love with all of us?

A cheer to TMK for shoving the knitting under your hands. It was quilting that gradually pulled me out of the gray well of nothingness many years ago. Some nights I did nothing but hold the fabrics in my hands, but it literally gave me something to hold on to.

Take care of yourself, however you need to.

Oh, crap. I'm sorry you went through that, but it sounds like you're on the other side now -- at least mostly. I've been going through my own "thing" lately, too. Thank goodness for the gym, which has helped a lot. And someone commented the other day -- you have to have the darkness once in a while to appreciate the light. Or something like that. Platitudes, platitudes, but sometimes there's a good reason for platitudes. :)

And go you for 20 pounds gone! And the gym. I find that when I even just MAKE myself go, I never regret it, and 99% of the time I'm just thrilled that I did it.

Awww!! You made me blush! I am glad that my comment made you happy, and it's true; there's so much breaking up and relationship tsuris in general in this world that it's nice to hear about people who stick with it. Maybe if more people heard stories like that, they'd realize that a bad patch doesn't mean it's all over.

And sorry to hear about the blues, but I'll echo TMK and others...hie thee to the gym. Exercise endorphins do help, and then when you lose more weight you get to shop for new clothes, so it's a win-win. :-)

At our home, the sacred fluid is called "The Elixir of Life." But sadly, we don't have the same amusing sound track.

Our bread machine, however, does a fine opening for "The Little Drummer Boy." Pum. Pum. Pum. Pum. And at one point, just the right one, it doubles up into pum-pummity, pum-pummity, pum-pummity.

Yes, we do sing along. We have the lyrics laminated, and magnetically attached to our nearby refrigerator.

We DO think we are normal. Why?

Perhaps we should introduce these machines to one another?

Keep hacking away at feeling better. It's tough when it seems like you will never get there - but hopefully, with some patience and some blessings along the way, you will.

Been there with more friends and relatives than I care to admit, and there should be a light at the end of the tunnel - hold that thought.

Hey Ryan - a day at a time, a day at a time. Just take the time to reflect on the good things - a ray of sunshine in our PNW weather? an orangey orange? a happy pet? a smile from TMK? and let those good vibes sink in. Things will get better! We are all behind ya! Irina.

"You never know how many friends you have until you need them"

So many wonderful comments and so many good wishes for you and TMK, that I can't think of anything new to say that would insprire you... well, maybe one thing. I learned it many years ago from a source of great wisdom. Here it goes... and just so you know, I haven't shared this pearl of wisdom with anyone else, so you must remember that you two are special that I would share this secret, time-proven gem... ok, ready now...? Ahem... "EVERYTHING GOES BETTER WITH MORE KETCHUP". Shhh... try to keep it to yourself - we don't want the whole world to know... ;-) take care and use lots of ketchup, we're rooting for you! -Ken

Oh darlin', I've been there with the depression. And I'm really glad you are treating it medically as well as TMK's efforts. They do all help. I also found that I need to cut out caffeine and white flour when I get like that. So there seems to be some dietary relation to me, depression, and fitful rest.

Everyone is different though so you just do what you need to feel better. And know that you will feel better. I promise.

hugs!

Y'all don't know how much I needed to hear that things are getting better.

I may come to work with my underpants on my head in celebration tonight.

xo to both of you.

Ryan - I'm so glad you posted because I was getting worried there. Of course I'm not thrilled to hear that you've been depressed - that certianly bites, sucks *and* blows!

Don't force the knitting - it will come in time. If the Flower Basket Shawl is meant to be, it will happen. If it's not turning your crank at the moment, DO SOMETHING ELSE :) A potholder. A sock. A game :) I'm thinking knitted marbles - heheh...

Okay, so I'm weird :)

Hugs, honey - I'm pulling for you both and hoping things are healing and moving in positive directions.

Hi Ryan,

I am a great lurker in the knitting blog world and comment rarely. However, when someone posts about a "mood disorder" I feel compelled to offer some of my hard won knowledge.

Recently I have discovered vitamin and mineral therapy. Basically you take mega doses of certain supplements. Two very good sources of information are www.truehope.com and www.orthomolecularvitamincentre.com. I swear that this therapy has saved me from much doom and gloom.

If you do nothing else, Take at least three grams of niacin(six of the no-flush type) and three grams of vitamin c, daily. One gram for each meal. You won't believe the difference it will make. I could almost guarantee it!!

I wish you all the best

I am there with you on the relationship issues... remember when I met you and said I'm moving out because my bf thinks I knit too much? Well, I'm still out, still upset, and definitely not going back any time soon! I applaud you 2 for working so hard at it! I wish we could. I've forced myself to keep knitting because I know my knitting elf won't show up and knit it for me, and miraculously projects are getting completed! I am sending my knitting vibes your way! Maybe I will be able to see you guys again some time. You won't be at Stitches in CA next month, will you? I'll be there!

I'm with Rabbitch...SOOOO glad to hear you've hammered out a peace treaty with TMK :)

And when depression strikes us (meaning me) here at the Derby & String house, I eat cupcakes. Seems to work just fine.

Only problem is, I need to find where to STOP with the cupcakes so my pants don't magically become too small.

And I highly recommend the mocha cupcakes at Cupcake Royale.

Bet you didn't know so many of your faithful readers had also suffered from depression?! Add me to the list. Modern psychopharmacology saved me, too. Better living through chemistry and all that. It warms my more-or-less-straight-bleeding-liberal heart to know that you and TMK have worked through problems and are once again enriching each others' lives. Good for you (and TMK) for doing what needed to be done to help yourself -- meds, exercise, etc. Hang in there, gal, we're pullin' fer ya!

Hey ryan-
good to have you back-you know I have that straight girl crush going on so I worry about you.My best to both you and TMK - I enjoy reading your blog so much even if I rarely comment.

Another straight, white, non-Republican, not-really-Christian (I have issues like a news stand) couple who are inspired by you two. We're on year 20, and while some days I might want to hurry up the "til death" bit, I think about you and TMK and other couples who have made it this far, and I put the pillow down. ;-)

Good luck with the meds, and please have your doctor check your hormone levels. Low estrogen can really mess with you; it took me two years to figure out why I wanted to cry all the time when everything else in life was going great.

Hey Ryan - I've been in that place, and it's not a good place. Let me know if you want to talk; or maybe I'll just force the issue at guild next time - I know reaching out isn't the easiest thing to do right now.

Coming out of lurking to send white light and good thoughts your way. I'm a big believer in living better through chemistry. Kudos to you and TMK for working it out -- so many couples just give up when it gets hard. My folks, if my dad makes it to April, will be married 63 years on April 1 -- it hasn't always been easy, but there's always been plenty of love.

Depression (and its friends) sucks big time. Hopefully the meds and the exercise will help (I don't have clinical depression, but exercise helps even out my mood swings enough that I can be nice to most people).

Hopefully life will get less hard soon with the coming of better weather and flowers and birds in sunshine (though that is admittedly a couple of months away).

WHEW! Was really starting to worry, Ryan. I have read all the comments on your post today, and it is amazing to me how many of us suffer in the same way.

It is clear to me, reading your blog for several years, that you have met a lot of challenges in your life - with grace and increasing wisdom. Wisdom shows here, Ryan, because you are doing all the right things in the face of severe depression. I truly admire you.

Stick with it. I have suffered from depression all my life - and only got a handle on it with modern meds. It ALWAYS gets worse for me in the winter. This year, I knew it was raising its ugly head again when Costco didn't have my chocolate milk (use in my Elixir of Life, heh) for the second week in a row, and I burst into tears.

Know what happened next?

I laughed and laughed - because I knew what was happening, and I knew that I could deal with it, and my husband of 19 years knew what was happening, and kissed me right there in the milk aisle.

So, keep on going, because it WILL GET BETTER! Even when it seems that it won't.

NOTHING has ever worked better for me at fighting the blackness than exercise and surprisingly I found weight lifting to be the best of the exercise - not body building type weight lifting -the more girly type slenderizing weight lifting. I've never known whether it was the endorphines that the exercise releases or the extra calories I can consume when I have more muscle tissue that does the trick - I suspect a bit of both! Hang in there - it sounds like you are on the right track!

Do straight white non-Christian Democrats count? If so, count me in.

When I had a bout of screwed up brain chemistry from hell, my recovery (thanks to meds) started with just shards of light glimmering in the deep, black darkness.

I learned to count the good, light-filled minutes. Eventually there were good hours, and here and there a good day. It took a while before there were good weeks and good months, but it DID happen.

I'm so glad TMK had your back and helped you catch this early. Maybe the light will come back faster if you didn't have time to go too deep into the dark.

Hang in there, the light is coming.

P.S. I can't knit in that kind of dark either. It will help TMK see when you're REALLY feeling better.

Ryan,
As you can see, from the comments, you are not alone. Me too with the depression. Brain chemistry is an individual thing, so it's good that folks have a lot of suggestions. You'll have to find out by trial and error what does it for you. Medication does take weeks to kick in, and you and your doctor may have to try different ones and combinations to get it right for you. It's hard, but be patient. For me, in addition to medication and therapy, I respond to regular exercise and a healthy diet. I make sure I get the 5 servings of fruit/vegetables and six 8 oz glasses of water a day. I feel like crap if I don't. Alcohol is poison for me, so I stay away from it. Anyway, keep slogging through, one day at a time. One day you will wake up feeling better, and you'll rediscover the fun in your knitting. Love to you and TMK.

One stitch at a time. My mental health is always better if I am crafting something. When I'm down sometimes I have to force myself to knit, the goal is one row, just get through one row. Then the next row, then the next. If my goal is just one row then it's not a huge time committment and sometimes that one stitch at a time philosophy really grabs me, and before I know it I've got half a sock.

Ryan - you've been tagged :) See my blog for details. Hugs, kiddo!

xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxxoxo

I am having similar "stability" issues (stability is my way of saying "I've not only gone off my rocker but I can't even find the damn thing anymore"). My heart goes out to you! I've noticed that once I start a million projects at a time, it's a sure sign that my mood will start improving.

Also, I was so proud of Elizabeth! Makes me feel so proud to be part of such a caring, understanding, wonderful group of people