What can I say about my being gone, Dear Readers, except that for the last four weeks I've been trying very hard to take what Cuzzin Tom refers to, with a loud "tsk, tsk" that can be heard all the way from Mongolia to here, as an "Unauthorized Leave of Absence" from this world. The obscene mental and emotional cruelty of the last nine months became more than my confused brain was able to handle and I found myself very read to fly the coop, permanent-like, but, instead, I found myself spending two weeks in the loony bin and another seven days getting intensive outpatient therapy.
It's still an hour by hour struggle but I'm on a veritable cocktail of pills and...well...then there are the Friends. And Family. (The Capital Letters of Great Importance were never more deserved.) You know how on how some nature documentaries they show speeded-up footage of a field of wildflowers bursting into bloom? That's what it was like. When word got out that I was in a bad way--blam!--I was instantly engulfed in waves of tenderness, emotional support, practical support and even some tough love from every corner of Seattle, the States and Canada. Gifts, cards, emails, phone calls, flowers...all from people determined to keep me very much alive. (With one notable exception. Ahem.) I don't even know how to begin to thank this small army that stepped in and did the most amazing things.
Along these same lines, I do know about the blanket/blanket squares that are being knit for me by people all around the country. Because I'm staying with Janine right now, I've been able to see the squares arrive, and every single one has given me goosebumps and an overwhelming, indescribable feeling of gratitude and of being tremendously loved. If you knit one and you were afraid you were just mailing it out into an empty universe, trust me, you're not. Words fail me when it comes to telling you how the squares are affecting me.
I still have an incredibly tough battle ahead and, two or three times a day, the darkness invades my heart, and my bottles of pills (which I perversely call my Preciouses) call my name. But this is one of those areas where the tough love kicks in since a small army of friends are standing between me and my Preciouses and, in fact, take possession of them every day, only doling out what I need. (And when I'm feeling extra crappy about myself, I try to remember what one of my counselors told me: It's about chemistry, not about character.)
However, I suppose it's a good sign that last week I found myself shamelessly flirting with a tall drink of water in cowboy boots who, let's just say, now has my phone number. And I went to a meeting with my friend Janine and couldn't keep my eyes off another hottie. I'm surprised my eyes didn't melt her shirt off her back. Lastly, this week I'll be finalizing plans to take an all-lesbian cruise down to Mexico. Me and hundreds of other women. That should improve the odds somewhat. So, all that being said, I guess there's still some life in the old ticker yet.
In the It's a Bit Sick and a Bit of a Stretch But Knitters Will Understand category, the other good news is that I've eaten so little I've lost 50 pounds and nine inches off my waist and hips and somewhat less--but still some--off the boobage area so the prospect of knitting myself a real, grown-up sweater isn't so daunting anymore. Heck, I've whacked yards of stockinette off that project!
Another darkly humorous spot was the fender-bender (or, more accurately, the bumper-scratcher) I had last week. Those sorts of things are never fun but, as I got out of my card to talk to the other woman, I felt eerily calm and was thinking, "Hell, woman. I'm already on suicide watch. Make my day." It was very liberating.
This week I got some pictures of the Cotton Club/Cancer Walk so I'll post them the next time I'm up to blogging which who the hell knows when that'll be, although since I am all online and mobile with my new laptop these days, I may even post from Black Sheep, where I'll be sittin' and knittin' this weekend.
Posted by Ryan at June 20, 2008 03:20 PMWell, good to hear from you. I was beginning to worry just a tad. Now, you just keep on keeping on and other such platitudes, and especially keep with the shameless flirting. Shameless flirting has been widely proven to cure what ails 90% of us; the other 10% need chocolate and/or merino (just ignore my science here; I'm trying to be helpful and failing miserably, obviously).
Posted by: Lynn on June 20, 2008 03:24 PMOh, thank goodness! I was about to search to see if anyone around blogville had heard from you and posted about it.
Even us lurkers care enough to worry, sweetie, and prefer you alive and kicking.
*hugs*
Posted by: CJ on June 20, 2008 03:33 PMGlad you posted. Sorry things have been so tough for you. I am really glad you have such caring friends and family. Hang in there. Jennifer
Posted by: Jennifer in Oak Park on June 20, 2008 03:34 PMYes please, only a little Precious at a time.
(Can I blame the lapsed Catholic guilt for that bit when I read the "with one notable exception" and thought to myself, "SHIT, I didn't even EMAIL HER. I SUCK.")
And also, please have a cheeseburger. Or come down here to Tucson and I will take you to the best Mexican food this side of anywhere. (Open faced green chile enchiladas with extra cheese and some more cheese on top, swimming in cheese.)
The overwhelming response from your friends didn't happen by chance, or materialize out of the wind. You have built good, strong bridges - your kindness and friendship have reached so many. Of course people are there to catch you when you fall. I'm proud of you. I have never seen anyone take such a dark walk, but sweet-girl you are still standing!
Posted by: Elaine on June 20, 2008 03:44 PMSo good to see you back. I know that dark place can be very seductive, but I know you can turn your back on that and keep putting one foot in front of the other until you are well away from it forever. Keep checking out the chicks - it's great therapy!
Posted by: Jane on June 20, 2008 04:16 PMEven though we've never met in person, I know you are a person of great love and caring. I'm not surprised that FAMILY and FRIENDS have rallied around you. It's good to hear you are crawling out of the deepest part of the tunnel.
Posted by: Donna in VA on June 20, 2008 04:45 PMIt's so good to hear from you!
And yes, if you're ever down this way, Carrie and I could show you a whoppin' good time (plenty o' cowboy boots in this neck of the woods)!
Hang in there, baby. One day (or hour) at a time.
Posted by: Lynn in Tucson on June 20, 2008 04:45 PMI'm so glad you've got an army of caring friends to help deal with the world while you work your way through. Thank you for checking in with the blog - you don't know me at all, but I've been thinking of you these past weeks.
Many virtual hugs.
Posted by: Loribird on June 20, 2008 04:59 PMI am so glad to hear from you. You'll win this battle; the universe demands it. You probably can't imagine how many of us are out here pulling for you but I'm sure there are tons of us. Stay cool, be well and we'll be waiting here for you!
Posted by: Bonney on June 20, 2008 05:03 PMWell, I don't know what I can say that everyone else hasn't, except we'd all far rather have you here with us than otherwise! One minute at a time, one minute at a time. And I'm so glad that everyone (barring one) is coming through for you -- remember, occasionally whacked chemistry or not, all of those people love you with good reason because of the person that you are. Hang in there.
So glad to hear from you. A family member is dealing with their own chemistry issue right now. It's a long road, but good company makes the journey seem much shorter. Sending you good thoughts (and a square).
Posted by: Kat on June 20, 2008 05:19 PMI'm thinking of you, and if you'd like to go to coffee or tea or lunch or something next week, gimme a shout. For serious!
Posted by: moiraeknittoo on June 20, 2008 05:38 PMGood to hear from you, I was beginning to worry. Glad you have such a support system. Sending healing vibes from Illinois.
Posted by: Angie on June 20, 2008 05:40 PMI was also starting to be concerned... glad you're getting help!
Posted by: melissa on June 20, 2008 06:30 PMI'm glad you've made it back to the online world. I hope you have a fabulous time at Black Sheep.
I love you for your humor, and your candor. Take good care of yourself, or at least let your friends take good care of you.
Mwah.
Posted by: Melinda on June 20, 2008 06:39 PMYou deserve all the kindness you're getting, and then some. What goes around comes around, and so on and so forth. Glad to hear that your friends and family are there for you.
Posted by: Danielle on June 20, 2008 06:41 PMVery glad to see you posting again. Sending you good thoughts and wishes.
Posted by: Kit on June 20, 2008 07:06 PMWell I just have to say that I am happy you are around and kicking because without you, it wouldn't be as much fun. Seriously! And I'm so glad that Janine is there for you because it sounds like right now you need a mother and well I don't think you could find a better one than Janine.
Now seriously when you get back from your cruise, let's go out and get coffee or dinner or something because if you want, I can help you find those 50 lbs. I'm great at find them, not so good at losing them.
Take care and remember I love you as do so many other people!
Posted by: Rebecca on June 20, 2008 07:12 PMXXOO
sending you warm fuzzies.
keep knitting, keep window shopping.
good to read you again.
Posted by: kt on June 20, 2008 07:18 PMGlad to see you posting... and glad to know you're wise enough to surround yourself with loving friends and a devoted family. It takes a lot of courage to understand when the time has come to no longer "go it alone". Good job!
Posted by: KRis on June 20, 2008 07:26 PMWhew! I kept checking your blog and hoping there would be a new post.
It sucks to hear how bad you've had it but I am happy to hear you're on the upswing with good friends around you. And the prospect of a cruise full of hotties never hurts either. :-)
I am sending you virtual chocolates, and trying very hard to cast a Patronus all the way to where you are.
ES
Posted by: Elizabeth Spinner on June 20, 2008 07:37 PMHugs.
Posted by: Connie on June 20, 2008 07:39 PMI'm so glad you're feeling better.
Posted by: Jennu on June 20, 2008 07:58 PMSorry for the double commenting, but somehow there's just more to say. My heart broke for you over the Dulaan nonsense (I've been screwed over in volunteer situations myself) and my heart's breaking for you now because you deserve so much happiness.
Just know that every day, it'll get a little bit better until it's OK.
And if you ever come to NYC, I'll drag you out to all the lesbian bars so you can find someone who deserves you. Have a great time on the cruise.
Hugs.
Posted by: Jennu on June 20, 2008 08:10 PMOh, you poor thing. I know how this feels - I've been there too, and I know seductive the pills can be. But I can tell you that it does get better, and there'll come a day when you can notice the blue sky and sunshine and be happy again. So, hang in there, and I will send you positive thoughts from the other side of the world, and the sensible advice: 'If you're going through hell, keep going".
Posted by: Quatrefoil on June 20, 2008 08:48 PMDear Ryan, I'm so sorry that you're going thru this rough time. I've been thinking of you. This is a neat idea about the afghan squares and I'm going to send one too. Just so you know, you encouraged me to learn how to do the sweaters and caps for all of those little ones. You deserve a lot better, so keep on going, it will get better.
Flirting is great, as is chocolate, and yarns.
Have a good time at Black Sheep.
Sheila
I'm SO GLAD you posted. What they all said....I agree. You are surrounded by loving hearts, please never forget that. And, well, what Elaine said. Yah. She Speaks Truth. From our hearts to yours.
Posted by: Gail on June 20, 2008 10:55 PMGlad to hear from you Ryan - been a little concerned.You're on my "good thoughts" list. Take care of yourself sweetie or make sure you're around others who can.
Many hugs :)
Posted by: Robbyn on June 21, 2008 06:57 AMWhat a GREAT Saturday surprise to check your blog and find a post! Ditto to what everyone else has said. It's one moment at a time, even in the BEST of times!! Family and Friends...wouldn't be without them!! You have SO many hands reaching out to help...so wonderful!! (Excuse me...I need to go replenish my !! supply now.)
Posted by: Cynthia on June 21, 2008 07:22 AMHy Ryan - Have been checking your blog every few days to get an update, and am so glad to hear that you are OK and that Janine is taking care of you. Just take a day at a time, and you'll see things will get better. We all care for you and need you!
As for Black Sheep - I know that will do you a lot of good! just don't come home with one (or more) of those cute sheep like I did last year! Just fondle and buy lots of wonderful yarn, and let those fiber vibes soak in!
Irina
Posted by: Irina on June 21, 2008 08:47 AMRyan, I've very recently been through an eerily similar situation, right down to the circumstances that brought it on, to the weight loss (not quite as much, but still), and eventual hospitalization.
One minute at a time is exactly the only way to get through this. I've been out the hospital for almost two months now, and I still have days when it wouldn't be so bad to go back for a reboot. But it's better than it was, and while I have never been to a place of such despair and hopelessness before, even on the bad days I can see some light again.
Feel what you need to feel. Count every day you can get out of bed as a victory. I'm with you on this one.
Posted by: Barb on June 21, 2008 08:56 AMomigod, Ryan, I had no idea just how bad was the pure hell you were going through. Having taken a stroll through that bit of dark woods myself a number of years back, I can empathize. Love what the counselor said re: chemistry and character; so, so true. (I think of depression as being like having eyes of a particular color, and being just a amenable to change by pure will.) Please know that my most healing thoughts and wishes are with you. And know that the good will that coming to you is just a return of all the goodness that you have put out into the universe yourself.
Posted by: kmkat on June 21, 2008 09:57 AMI'm almost done knitting my square, sweetpea. I designed it myself, by the seat of my pants, so if you can't recognize what it is, don't worry. My husband didn't know what they were either. :-)
I haven't called again because my work life came up and bit me in the butt with a huge deadline I wasn't expecting, but when things calm down a bit, you'll hear from me, dontcha worry. The commenter who said you've built bridges is right on target...you're just getting back what you've given, my dear Ryan. It's your turn to get. Long time comin', lovey.
Posted by: Lee Ann on June 21, 2008 11:38 AMHey! Nobody told ME anything about a "knit a square for Ryan" party! Where do I go to get onto that train?
Also: Years ago a friend's husband left her for his secretary. (No, really.) She was already thin, but just wasted away to nothing. One day someone saw her and gasped "How much weight have you lost?" and she calmly replies "210 pounds. That's 190 pounds of husband, and 20 pounds of me."
Everybody standing around laughed until we couldn't stand up.
You GO GIRL!!!! SO freakin' proud of you.
(And I'm sorry *I* didn't think of a Patronus. Damn. Seems so obvious now....)
Posted by: MaryB in Richmond on June 21, 2008 12:35 PMDear Ryan, like everyone else posting today, I'm very glad that when I clicked on Mossy Cottage you had a new post. While I'm sorry you've had such a lousy time these last wks/months I feel sure that the love and friendship that surrounds you will help to see you through.
Sending my love/best wishes to you and enjoy the hell out of your cruise!!
It's great to see a post from you, and I'm glad to hear you're being well taken care of by friends. Thinking of you...
Posted by: Tasha on June 21, 2008 05:05 PMRyan,
Glad you posted. I have missed seeing you at SKG. I have a friend who is going through the much of what you are. She and her partner were together 21 years and have a child so things have been quite complicated. I hope only good things for you.
Debra
Posted by: Debra on June 21, 2008 05:37 PMI double-checked with the Committee, and your request for a Leave of Absence has still not been Authorized. In fact, it's been turned down. Unanimously. You are hereby ordered to click over to Franklin's blog and read his post about going to some knitting thingy where he couldn't take photos so he drew a whole series of stick figure impressions. It even made this non-knitter collapse with laughter.
Further instructions by email.
Posted by: Cuzzin Tom on June 21, 2008 06:45 PMIt's good to hear from you, dearest. You take care and listen to your family and friends. Lots of hugs to you.
Posted by: Leslie on June 21, 2008 07:42 PMDamn spammers (see above!) Anyway, I'm glad you are doing your very best to fight off that "leave of absence." Call on us, we're here! Your counselors are very wise, keep communicating with them. Big hugs for you.
Posted by: Kristen on June 22, 2008 01:56 PMOn top of everything going on in your life, you have spammers?!? Sheesh. What everybody said, Ryan. I check every day hoping to see that you've posted. I worry about you, sweetie, and if you're ever in Lexington, KY let me know and I'll hook you up with my daughter. I think she's a hottie and she knits! Keep on keepin' on.
Posted by: Barbara on June 22, 2008 02:11 PMI was thrilled to see that you had posted, but so sorry you've been having such an awful time. Be kind to yourself, take it one day at a time, and you will find your way back to a joyful place. Hugs.
Posted by: ellenk on June 22, 2008 04:27 PMCJ said it best: even us lurkers are pulling for you.
Keep knitting and before long you'll find your mind isn't so confused anymore. Knitting has saved me more than once, along with millions of others.
i am quite relieved to see your post, i have been a tad worried about you my friend.
Posted by: marti on June 22, 2008 11:02 PMI'll keep you in my thoughts, and I'm so glad that you have wonderful people to help you through this. I've missed you, and I'm glad you're back. Hang in there!!
Posted by: Julie in WI on June 23, 2008 06:19 AMI hope you see me after all of the spam - I'm a lurker, but was worried about you. It takes a really strong person to admit that they need help and an even stronger one to accept it. I'm so proud of you. Keep on hanging in there! {{hugs}}
Posted by: Kris on June 23, 2008 02:21 PMI hope you get this comment seems there are some strange ones showing up and since I haven't a clue how bloags works or comments or stuff like that I will take my chances that you get this! So very sorry to hear of your trials-every time I checked and there was no posting I said a little pray for you - We have never met and probably never will but I like you very much and want you to get better because frankly you amuse me no end! Will keep you in my thoughts a nd yes my prayers!
Posted by: tayloe on June 23, 2008 02:21 PMI wouldn't presume to be able to add much when you've got ECUADORAN JOURNEYS and CATTLE RINGTONES (good lord, how have I lived without those!?) at your disposal, but I'm glad that you took the time (and meds) when you needed it, and that you're on the mend.
Posted by: jeanne on June 23, 2008 06:28 PM(Dang, I wish I could make all the spam that got posted go away for you) Aloha, and lots of hugs!
Posted by: Barb on June 24, 2008 12:37 AMRyan:
I hope yoU get this message , even though your comments are chock full of spam:
HANG IN THERE! we need you on this planet! I am sending positive thoughts your way!
Pat in Virginia
Hang in there, Ryan!! *huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuug*!
Posted by: morenna on June 24, 2008 06:25 PMMiss you, dear! Hang in there!
Posted by: Gwyndolyn O'Shaughnessy on June 25, 2008 09:03 AMRyan--I understand a lot about chemistry and wanting the leave of absence and Preciouses. If the Universe gives any credence to good thoughts being mentally willed to you, it knows that even lurkers like me are sending them. Live to fight/laugh/love another day sweetheart. Embrace the dark humor as it is also a helpful friend. Not everyone will get it, but who gives a rat's ass about that? It's about YOU doing what you must to keep being. Lots of people love you and are rooting for you and it sounds like you are rooting for you too even if the chemistry is trying to thwart you!
Note to the Friends and Family that comprise Ryan's Small Army: THANK YOU & BLESS YOU. Many good thoughts to you as well.
Nothing but good thoughts and wishes for you!
Tanya
Posted by: Tanya on June 25, 2008 11:26 AMI'm sorry that things got so hard and I hope you and your f&f are treating you well, so you can get better. The blogosphere is a much duller place without your humor to liven it up a bit.
Lots of big hugs and happy thoughts streaming your way!
Posted by: Seanna Lea on June 25, 2008 03:03 PMHi Ryne,
I had no idea that things were so rough for you. I just wanted to add my good thoughts and wishes to the crowd. I hope that you heal soon.
Jennifer