[Comments closed for this entry for reasons of spammage.]
Benny’s start in this household was not auspicious. He had a cold, didn’t eat for eight days, and had, simultaneously, a kitty-sized mental breakdown that left him inert and drooling until I propped him up with Valium*. However, a year later he is confident, smart, alert, athletic, tremendously loving. But I have taught him Something Dangerous, and I now pine for the days of inertia and drool.
Chapter 1: Soon after bringing The Big B home, I discover he likes to be carried around draped over my left shoulder, paws extended and kneading contentedly into the air, and I unashamedly encourage this behavior. Pretty much any time he stands on a high spot, like the top of the microwave, I fling him up onto my shoulder for a snorgle and a jaunt around the house.
Chapter 2: Benny learns to climb from the microwave to my shoulder by himself. This new-found independence leads him to regularly scream, “Stop whatever you’re doing and come over to the microwave. Now.” Not pretty, but nothing compared to what the future held.
Chapter 3: Benny decides, never mind the microwave, I’ll just climb up her pants. Which, curiously, doesn’t work very well on the days when I’m not wearing any pants but this doesn’t stop him.
Chapter 4: Benny decides, let’s bypass this climbing foolishness altogether and jump straight from the ground to Mom’s shoulder. Unfortunately, he doesn't always make it, and the results are messy and painful. Let’s just say if I were a helium balloon, I would thrrrrrrrrpppppppt rapidly around the room.
Chapter 5: Benny decides to kill two birds with one stone and assume the cuddling position—body flat against my chest, furry bum curled to be held in the crook of my arm—on the way up. Which means I’m hit with a sidewise, 15-pound blam! of fur and whiskers. Locals, think of how the Pike Place Market fish guys throw fish at each other—splat!, into the chest. Yeah, like that. Only much, much furrier.
Chapter 6: Benny decides, let’s dispense with the niceties of making sure we’re at least facing each other, and starts launching himself at me any time, from anywhere, from any angle. Sometimes when I have my back to him, I get an eerie back-of-the-neck feeling and turn around to find him crouched, ready to launch.
Chapter 7: Benny discovers that, if he can catch me bending over, jumping on my back is much easier than jumping all the way to my shoulder. Once up, he instantly curls up and lies down—and then you’re stuck because he has no intention of getting off. You reach both arms behind to grab him...and then what? You try to push him back—instant claw** grippage. You try to pull him up—instant claw grippage. You try to shove him off the side—instant claw grippage. You try to stand up—see “painful” and “thrrrrrrrrpppppppt” above. I have actually shuffled bent over like some modern-day Quasimodo from one room to another to tip him off onto a table.
You know what I think? There is way too much of “Benny decides” going on in my household.
*Need I say don’t do this without talking to your vet first?
**Thank God I do clip his claws on a regular basis. I can’t even imagine. I wouldn’t even ““thrrrrrrrrpppppppt;” I would just explode instantly into sad, limp shreds of human.
That's hysterical, but I can relate a little too well!
Posted by: Cindy on June 11, 2009 03:31 PMOMG, that is funny! I, too, am owned by an abusive cat who thinks I should get up at 2, 3, and 4 am and forward to make sure there is food in his bowl. His bowl that is in my bedroom...his bowl that is always full of food (in an effort to thwart the Relentless Alarm Cat.) We figure he doesn't want to waste his energy going over to check out the bowl unless one of us is up and hovering nearby to fill it (even though it's always full!!!)
Posted by: Leslie on June 11, 2009 04:01 PMI am dying from the funny! This has to be one of your top 5 posts of all time. More Benny! More Benny! More Benny!
Posted by: Elaine on June 11, 2009 04:37 PMOh this is too hilarious! OK, so I understand that living it is not hilarious, but reading it is!
Meanwhile, get yourself a squirt gun or a plant mister that has a stream setting and keep it on you at all times. Being hit with the squirt gun a few times will teach him that doing full frontal air attacks (or side attacks, or rear attacks) is not pleasant.
Either that or he will turn out to be one of those bizarre cats who enjoys being squirted.
Posted by: Kristen on June 11, 2009 05:47 PMThis is so funny! But also, how great that after his initial difficulties, you can say that, "a year later he is confident, smart, alert, athletic, tremendously loving." That just makes me feel good.
Posted by: Wendy on June 11, 2009 07:33 PMBenny and my cat are one in the same -- I know the feeling of someone circling you trying to get the right angle to LEAP!
Posted by: Romy on June 11, 2009 07:59 PMLOL!!! This post made my morning! I've had felines in my household (well, ruling the household, if truth be told) for many, many years now. They're characters, that's for sure.
Posted by: Cathy on June 12, 2009 05:40 AMOne of my cats does the same thing. When I bend over to pull weeds in the garden, I have a cat on my back. When the crew was here filming the documentary, the director/camera operator crouched down to shoot the chickens. Cat jumped on his back and settled in for a snooze. He just chuckled a bit, asked "what is going on on my back?", and kept shooting. Photo here, if you're interested. http://maplecorners.blogspot.com/2009/04/untitled.html
Posted by: Annie on June 12, 2009 06:55 AMOur stripey cat, Cassie, loves to sit and watch us on the toilet, and she will also climb onto your back and sit there watching you...go...
Very disconcerting!
Posted by: Karlie on June 12, 2009 07:28 AMThis is too darn funny, and our kitty does something similar though not as extreme. Thank goodness, because I'm not sure I could handle our kitty doing attack leaps at the least provocation!
Posted by: Seanna Lea on June 12, 2009 07:48 AMYou mean I'm not the only one in the world who walks around the house bent over at the waist with a cat on her back? I think that's a relief. BTW, I think it means you're officially the Mommy. Someday I'll get around to telling Smokey Joe that he's adopted. . .
Posted by: Karen (the one who went to school with you in Singapore) on June 12, 2009 09:41 AMI very nearly choked to death reading your post. You are a great writer! Note to self: don't read these at work.
Posted by: Kim on June 12, 2009 10:05 AMI had a cat that acted like that. Do try the squirt gun. It will take a while; cats are stubborn. You may already know this about them :o)
Posted by: ellen on June 12, 2009 10:33 AMHmmm...I proceed to read down and catch up with you before I posted a comment here - b/c rly I'd have been too hysterical to comment intelligently.
What a hoot!
And yes, we do teach them to treat us this way. For years, the BB (Blonde Bombshell, dearly departed) stared (glared!) at me unforgivingly everytime she tried to sit on my shoulder, seeming to say, "WHAT? You shrank? WHY? How could you?" (when she fit in the palm of my hand, it was cute to have her perch there...)
(((hugs)))
Pictures. We totally need pictures!
Posted by: MaryB in Richmond on June 12, 2009 12:31 PMThat was hilarious...but my parents' cats are the same way. My favorite is when one of the girls will sit on the headrest of the recliner in the living room and put her paws on your head and just hold you still so you don't leave.
Posted by: Elizabeth on June 12, 2009 07:03 PMLilliane! That's my Lilliane to the life. From her earliest days (she came here at 4 months) she'd stand right at my heel and leap straight UP onto my shoulder.....yep, sometimes not quite gaining purchase. OW! I wonder if there's a support group for those (of **US**) who walk around the house hunched over with the Feline Circus Act on our backs. Yerp.
Posted by: dale-harriet in WI on June 13, 2009 12:32 AMFirst off, let us correct the misconception that this is your household. It's his house, he graciously shares it with you. As payment for the privilege of sharing his abode, you are to provide snuggles and entertainment, even without notice. Sheesh, humans just don't get it! No wonder they need cats to train them.
Oh... I think my cats got to your blog first, sorry about that. Ahem. Morgana will jump onto Mr. Batty's back when he's bent over to get something. Sometimes, he then does the Quasimodo shuffle, but I also get called to dislodge the cat when there's no other way to deal with the situation. They are snuggly and cute, but they're also slightly... of their rockers?
Posted by: Batty on June 13, 2009 04:21 AMAh, once more a cat has a servant. They all do eventually.
Posted by: Donna in VA on June 13, 2009 04:22 AMFor the first time since I've started reading your blog this past winter, I just have to throw in my two cents. Your post made me laugh out loud; not good while sipping coffee. Your way with description is sublime!
Posted by: Michele on June 13, 2009 05:36 AMI think that even without being a helium balloon, there might be times when you run around the room after Benny does one of his leaps.....but probably going AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! instead of deflating balloon noises.
At least, that's what I would do, even though it would be counterproductive, leading to more claw grippage.
Posted by: Cathy-Cate on June 13, 2009 08:30 AMRyan, did cuzzin tom make it to the States with both his cats?
Posted by: Sara on June 14, 2009 11:22 PMThis has to be one of the funiest posts I've read in a long time. Tears are streaming down my face. Thank goodness I didn't read it at work!! Your cat is too much!
I have six cats, thank goodness none of them like to ride around on my shoulder, and after this I won't be encouraging any such 'pick me up' nonsense!
Posted by: Northmoon on June 15, 2009 04:32 PM