October 03, 2009
"Lonely Spinster Found Dead in Yard, Wild Animals Feasting on her Flesh"
While this may look like a sad, drooping, mangled vine for which something has gone terribly wrong, this picture actually shows A Good Thing. However, as with most anything that makes it into this blog, there is A Tale.
Loooooooong-time readers may remember an entry from eons ago in which I mentioned that I have a climbing rose which is, granted, beautiful but which—Strike One—bears flowers that smell like rose-scented urinal cakes. Strike Two—over the years it has decided to grow between the gutter and the eave and the eave and the walls of the garage…
…so it needed to be severely punished pruned.
The Plan Was (O, fateful words) to cut away the dead stuff, leave the bulk of the branches intact, and finish the pruning later in the season when the leaves had fallen off. What I didn’t realize was that, not only were the canes growing betwixt and between, it was the betwixt and between that was holding the whole magilla up, not the trellis to which, silly me, I thought the rose was tied. I cut what apparently was A Very Special and Important Cane up near the gutter…and the whole rose suddenly collapsed. On me. On my head. And attached itself firmly to the top, side and back of my scalp with thorns. Think those metal halos they screw into the heads of spinal-injury victims.
That, and as feathery and ethereal as climbing roses look, I now know they are actually frickin’ heavy. And unwieldy. So there I was teetering on the bench you see in the first picture, various canes fastened to my head, not wanting to move lest the thorns bury themselves straight into my brain, arms aching from holding up the surprisingly massive bulk of the rose so that no more damage was done and because I was afraid the canes would break if they fell to the ground. This is how it starts, I thought, those newspaper articles about people found dead in their homes after freak accidents.
I finally did the only possible thing and let the whole vine fall, scalp and canes be damned. I survived relatively unscathed, losing only some hair. The planned-for-later pruning was done then and there, with perhaps more violence than was called for, and I’m pleased to say I’ve shown the rose that it's mah bitch. And, yes, there was some bondage involved:
After the "rose scented urinal cakes" description and the crown of thorns incident, I would have torn the whole thing out by the roots and danced on its mangled carcass....er, I mean, disposed of it in an environmentally friendly manner. You are a better man than I am Gunga Din. (Though we are neither of us men but there you have it.) Glad the wild animals had to forage elsewhere.
Posted by: Tish on October 3, 2009 08:12 PMThe blog chat mojo just gets better and better the more you crucify yourself (pun intended)and your efforts to be a better and totaly independent type of gardener. We know as women not to walk the dark streets alone, not to drive on a lonely road at dark with less than a quarter tank, not to answer adds for jobs that say "other duties as assigned," but who'da thought we'd have to watch our fronts as well as our backs from urinal-cake-scented roses. There's no end to the unfairness and humor of life. Is you done being a princess now?
Posted by: Linda "K" on October 3, 2009 08:29 PMdid you have a tv set up outside and show that rose the recent marathon of "The Children of the Corn" on SciFi (refuse the new spelling) it sounds like it was trying to imitate the corn....
Posted by: rho on October 3, 2009 08:33 PMYES! This is just the kind of attitude we need to be sure we're keeping these damn rosebushes in line!
Thanks for this; I shall read the blog to my smallish rosebush, to be sure it knows that I have friends who can come and kick its butt.
It's a service you're doing for all of us, and we thank you.
xox
It looks suitably submissive! "rose-scented urinal cakes" - Ewwwww! :)
Posted by: Caro on October 3, 2009 09:52 PMThe only other thing I would grow besides tomatoes (if I had the land, that is) is roses. Myria and I both love them.
But Ryan, honestly girl, you've *got* to stop feeding that thing meat! I'd have been having visions of "Little Shop of Horrors" when that thing dived-bombed my head...
Posted by: Robbyn on October 4, 2009 06:30 AMOuch! Sort of puts me off of jonesin' for a climbing rose.
Posted by: Kirsten on October 4, 2009 07:05 AMOwww! I would totally have killed it after that. Hurts just thinking about it.
Posted by: ccr in MA on October 4, 2009 07:39 AMPerhaps pruning potentially vindictive plants that are taller than you are (and I suspect every plant being whacked at is out for revenge) is an activity best done using the buddy system....
Posted by: Gail "hey-would-you-shake-up-this-bottle-of-juice-for-me" on October 4, 2009 08:48 AMThat last photo shows one totally subdued climbing rose. I wonder if you can scare away the rose-scented urinal cakes smell, too? btw, how do YOU know how urinal cakes smell, hmmm?
Posted by: kmkat on October 4, 2009 12:23 PMOw! Ow! Ow!
You know, I'm thinking for all that behavior it needs to be replaced with a lovely bourbon rose climber. Something old that won't smell, well, artificial.
Posted by: Kristen on October 4, 2009 01:57 PMI too have wrestled with the climbing rose. And it is never pretty. Mine is out front of my house so I get to look ridiculous in front of all my neighbors. Mine tends to just grab at my clothing with freaky-big thorns and has very nearly pulled my shirt off.
I've taken to sneaking outside after dark to work on it.
Posted by: Laurie on October 4, 2009 02:57 PMIt will be all the better for it. Most roses bloom more after a severe pruning. (Only some of the older ones bloom on older wood.) But I, too, think that if I ever grew another rose (make warding-off symbol), it would be one that smelled nice.
I'm seeing a theme to your entry here... crucifiction, a rose, a central female character... have you been talking to Dan Brown? At least it wasn't a climbing Shasty Daisy that smells like dog poop. And I agree with kmkat, how *do* you know what urinal cakes smell like? ;-)
Posted by: ken-bob on October 5, 2009 08:10 AMI would have ripped it out, too... congratulations on your perseverance! Roses can totally handle a little violence and bondage and once in a great while they need it :)
Posted by: Diana on October 5, 2009 08:51 AMYIKES! From the sublimity of chocolate peppers to the indignity of vengeful rose thorns!
Gardening sure is an adventure, eh?
Posted by: Cath on October 5, 2009 09:52 AMLiving in the desert, I know the plants all want to kill me. Along with all the animals, and the sunshine. I would never voluntarily plant a rose bush for that reason above.
Posted by: Carrie on October 6, 2009 12:34 PM